Out of loss, into peace with "OM shantih, shantih, shantih"

When we are grieving, our peace is disturbed. Everything that is familiar becomes uprooted and we find ourselves navigating turbulent emotions ranging from sadness, anger to guilt. One of the things we can do for ourselves is to find new ways to anchor ourselves during this challenging time.

One way I've found to help me in my time of feeling displaced and ungrounded is setting the intention of peace within. You can do this by this simple invocation. In the yoga tradition, the word shanti means peace. The power is not only in our words, but our intention. If we are mindful in our intention, this can be a powerful way to restore order to the chaos. The teaching of this practice of repeating "OM shantih, shantih, shantih" is multi-layered. The himalayan institute does an amazing way of gracefully explaining it. Below please find an excerpt.


A Simple Invocation of peace.
Suffering is extinguished by taking refuge in transcendental consciousness—this conviction is fundamental to yoga. In the chorus “OM shantih, shantih, shantih,” this principle is embodied by the recitation of the sound OM. But as the Sankhya teachers pointed out, suffering in this world is threefold and woven together into a seamless whole. Therefore the word shantih is recited three times. The first recitation refers to the pain arising from conflicts among forces that are normally beyond the knowledge and influence of beings on this planet, a pain termed in Sanskrit adhidaivika (adhi ‘from the presence of’; daivika ‘divine or supernatural agencies’). Examples that early teachers gave of adhidaivika pains included such natural disasters as droughts, storms, earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions. But such examples also represent a deeper reality than the one we normally perceive with our senses—a reality in which the forces of nature themselves are struggling for balance and harmony.

The second source of pain is called adhibhautika (bhautika ‘manifested beings of all kinds’). Suffering at this level is the result of painful interactions with others. In addition to interpersonal conflicts, adhibhautika pain includes interactions with animals. War is perhaps the most devastating example of this kind of pain, but unpleasant interactions with family, friends, and co-workers are much more common experiences of it.

Suffering arising from within one’s self is the third type of pain. Physical illness is the most common example. Mental distress brought about by conflicting desires or by lapses in judgment also arises from this plane of experience. The source of suffering here is the most familiar of all, termed adhyatmika pain (atmika ‘related to the self’).

Try incorporating this into your grief "ritual" if you are grieving a loss or feeling imbalance to bring you back to center.

Practicing Vipassana in Grief

This morning at breakfast, my daughter asked me why the petals on the purple tulips were missing. The bouquet arrived last week for my birthday. After a week of being the centerpiece on our dining room table, it began shedding its bloom the past few days. Kayman and I had great fun, using the vibrant pieces as counting exercises.

"What happened to them?" she said, holding one up. I shared that is where all flowers must go someday, that it had wilted. "Oh, you mean it died?" Yes, I replied. "Like your mommie?" Pause.

Well, yes and no. By that time, her focus had gone elsewhere and off to pre-school we went.

However, it gave me pause to reflect. Grief and loss, death and dying, so many levels of it occur in everyday life. How is it we are as a matter of fact about some things while we are torn up by others?

As a practicing buddhist, I often try to incorporate some of the teachings I've learned into my grief work. We intrinsically know that all things, living things, our loved ones, and ourselves, are impermanent. Yet, we can't help but become emotionally attached to the things and people we love.

When we experience a loss, there is suffering. Out of the suffering comes our attachment to what was. In our desires to make relationships last, we are overcome with pain,and disappointment when it ends. We do not feel in control. And wanting to feel some sort of control over our pain, we get on the emotionally roller coaster of pain.

Sometimes, we try to drown the awareness of our pain with avoidance. Avoidance by burying ourselves in our work, with food, with shopping, with television.

Yet,inevitably we end up feeling anxious, depressed, sadness or anger.

What can we do to move through our grief?

By accepting what is.

Easier said than done right?

By practicing Vipassana meditation or mindfulness even in our grief.

There are many organizations that teaches mindfulness in mediation. On great group in Los Angeles called InSightLA offers courses to bring more joy and peace into everyday life.

Or try this simple heart opening meditation when you feel your heart closing off from the grief.

Find a comfortable place to sit down. Close your eyes. Bring your left palm flat against the heart center and place the right palm on top of the left. Let your mind settle, relax. The thoughts from the day, let them unwind. With each breath, relax your body, let your mind wander, not settling on anything in particular. Bring your awareness inwardly. Become aware of the sensations in your body, notice with each breath you are letting any outward noise fall away. Notice that anytime your mind wanders, just bring it back to center. Bring your attention to the center of your chest, where your heart is. Allow yourself to sink into your heart. Breathe into your heart. Feel the beating of your heart against your left palm. Feel your heart. Notice any emotions that come up, any energy. So much is stored in the heart. Unconditional love, compassion, kindness. Let your heart open. Allow your heart center to be filled with unconditional love, compassion, kindness for yourself.

Notice with each breath the sensations in your body, continuing to relax, let your mind come back slowly to the present. Take a few moments to sit quietly with eyes closed and surround yourself with the loving. When you are ready, open your eyes. Take a few minutes to journal and jot down any thoughts you may have had.

Am I my mother's daughter?

I had an experience this morning that made me pause to examine what disappointments are made of. Prompts me to ask myself again, are most disappointments ours to begin with, or did we model the feeling of disappointment from our own parents only to pass them onto our kids unknowingly? As a grief coach, one of the exercises I have my clients do is map out a loss timeline, listing every significant loss in their lives. Often, not wanting to disappoint, seeking approval for others, were often top the lists of why people grieved alone, or without support.


Often, we lean into our family by default in times of crisis and loss.  More often than not, we also model the same behaviors unconsciously, almost like an imprint by default. If you are the strong and silent type, did you ever ask yourself, where did that come from? Or if you are the martyr type, always being strong for others while inside, you broke into a hundred pieces, did you stop to ask yourself, is that REALLY you?


Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. She would have been 81 this year. Having just celebrated a birthday myself last week, I find myself asking more often than not, in which ways am I my mother's daughter. What traits did I inherit, good or bad? And which have I made my own?  


This morning, I awoke to a deep longing for a connecting with my mother. After meditation, I sat and had a brief conversation with her. Still longing for her presence, I called my father. The conversation was 2 people struggling to meet somewhere vaguely in the middle. In my mid 40's I only  yearn for my own familial connection sparingly, during significant dates such as today.  Today, I let my guard down and the tears came. Tears of letting go, release, and more acceptance, woven with letting go of control, of 20/20 hindsights of what I know now.


Having practiced what I preach to others today, I leave you with this thought. If you find yourself wandering down memory lane during your own grief journey, consider asking yourself, what part of it you can claim as your own, what part you are ready to accept, things will most likely never be the same again, and neither will you. The good thing is, after acceptance, things always feel lighter, somehow. And yes, practice loving kindness to yourself. 


This entry dedicated to my mother, and all mothers out there tonight. This was a photo taken about 11 years ago, the happiest I had ever seen her. This is how I remember my mother. Tonight. 

In memory of a loving friend and trusting companion

The grieving process is organic. Even years after losing a much loved companion animal, you might find your heartstrings tugged and heavy at moments. You might see a dog that looked just like yours at the park, a happy memory of something you used to do together. In times like this, it is healthy to acknowledge whatever feelings that might come up for you. Share it with a friend, or your current four-legged friend in your life. Then turn around and do something in honor of your much loved friend. Today, I was inspired to create a new series of pet sympathy cards for a compassionate care program we are launching with Veterinary Offices this Spring. Allowing the creative juices to flow warmed my heart. It was a gentle reminder of the love we shared.  I will leave you with my of my favorite quote today. "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends leave footprints in your heart." -Eleanor Roosevelt-

luxepets::pet loss and other thoughts: Light a candle in remembrance for the one you love...

luxepets::pet loss and other thoughts: Light a candle in remembrance for the one you love...: "Today, I light an In Loving Remembrance Candle in remembrance of Sophie Chew, the inspiration behind Luxepets and my grief counseling p..."

Light a candle in remembrance for the one you love and meditate

Today, I light an In Loving Remembrance Candle in remembrance of Sophie Chew, the inspiration behind Luxepets and my grief counseling practice.  It has been 8 years since her transition, and she is a constant reminder of the work I do.


If you are experience loss in your life and missing your loved one, consider lighting a candle for him/her. Our remembrance candle burns for 5 days, so you can keep it lit, or light it when you are feeling blue.


If you are grieving the loss of a beloved animal companion, you can light this candle usually when you would take your pooch for a walk, or feed your feline friend. Creating new rituals helps continue the bond you feel with your special pet.


If you are missing a much loved human, you can do the same. Since you cannot reach out and pick up the phone, light a candle and consider writing a letter to him/her. Or find a comfortable place to sit and practice being still for a few minutes. Have a conversation out loud with the person you are missing.




A great accompanying practice with lighting a candle is Trataka, a Hatha yoga kriya I've found complimentary to healing grief. According to Hatha Yoga Pradipika, “Trataka cleanses both the eyes and the cerebral cortex, balances the nervous system, and relieves depression, anxiety, and insomnia". To begin, find a quiet place to sit. Assume meditation posture. Sit at eye's level about 20"-24" away from the candle flame. Gaze at the middle part of the flame, without blinking as long as possible. Allow thoughts to come and go without attachment. Gaze until you can no longer hold the pose. Sometimes tears will appear. Gently wipe away your tears with a tissue, this is clearing impurities and grief you might be holding on. Refer to the link above for directions in more detail.


So today, blessings to all pet parents who have love and lost and am choosing love once more (as I write this, I am blessed to have 2 angels sitting at my feet, Lulu a border collie and her sweet senior sister, Casey)  The flame that burns brightly for Sophie goes out to all of you too. 

How to speak to a toddler about euthanasia and pet loss

A referral came in yesterday about pet loss and children. A mom emailed, sharing their 17 year old cat was ready to transition. She wasn't sure if she should tell her 3 1/2 year old daughter, what to tell her etc. For some of us life long pet lovers, the first time we dealt with "death" was as a child. I cannot overemphasize the importance of honesty.  It can lay the foundation for how we deal with loss the rest of our lives.  (Bury our feelings, get another pet, grief alone, etc).


Our pets are more than a member of our family, and this is one of the hardest choices we have to make on behalf of our furry family member who cannot speak.


So what do we say? 
Honesty is the best policy. Don't make up answers in an effort to make your child feel better. 
My mother passed away 4 years ago. My daughter knows that both her grandmothers are dead. They were sick (truth). She asks me where they went.  I told her that we don’t really know where one goes when we die (literally, religious beliefs aside). 


Below are some additional tips and pointers.

Spend some time describing what “death” is for an animal companion. He is sick, he will stop breathing, he won’t be able to play with your child anymore. His body will be still, his fur will be cold. You may want to have this discussion with your child before the euthanasia process. Explain in simple terms what Euthanasia is if your child is older. Also at this time, review some happy memories about your beloved animal companion. Be open to discussing feelings your child might have. Ask your child how he/she feels, sad, mad, etc. ask if he/she wants to share anything with your beloved pet (a story, a stuffed animal, draw a picture).  

Don’t use the term your pet "went to sleep" in connection with death, or your child may develop a fear of going to sleep because he/she is afraid that, like your pet, they won't wake up. Consider finding an alternative phrase than saying that the pet was so sick it went to sleep or went to heaven, your child may fear that this may happen to her if he/she becomes sick or injured. Your child may also fear that if this could happen to the family pet it could also happen to someone else in the family, like Mommy or Daddy.

Consider making a pawprint or clipping some hair to have as a keepsake. Create some rituals after the euthanasia to bond with your family. Go to the library and check out children’s book dealing with pet loss. I also have written one called My Heart Remembers My Pet that is available as a pdf.

Be sure to be gentle with yourself too. As parents, in making sure our kids are fine, our own sorrows sometimes takes a back seat.  Kids are transparent. Like sponges, their open hearts can handle honesty. Allow your heart to be too. Sharing your feelings with your child will bring additional comfort.