Dedicated to the mothers who are missing their babies

Happy pre-mother's day. There will be many posts on Facebook tomorrow, filled with love and appreciation to all of the mothers out there. I celebrate all of us. The love, dedication, strength, care, spans across the globe, filling rooms.

However, tonight's post is dedicated to all of the mothers I know, who are missing their babies. I celebrate their strength, their love, their dreams and hopes, of what might have been. Whether it ended in miscarriage, stillbirth, whether the baby lived one minute or one year or more, this is a salute to these mothers, and the strength in their light that shines amidst their darkness.

For some, tomorrow will be a difficult day. The memory of their baby/child will always be in their heart. As they continue to integrate the loss, they find that life goes on. The sadness never quite goes away altogether, but becomes woven into a new tapestry that they will weave, with new memories and new meanings. A memory that will never be forgotten. Memories may fade a bit over time, but the love never will.

This is for YOU, all the mothers out there who are missing their angel babies. Below are some things you can do to celebrate the mother in you tomorrow, however it feels right for you. Motherhood is not calculated in minutes, but the essence of the mother in you. The mother you already am and have always been.

If you find yourself grieving over your recent or not so recent loss, below are some things you can do on Mother's Day in remembrance of your angel baby.

-Consider writing a letter to your baby. Share your thoughts, hopes and dreams.
-By putting your thoughts onto paper, it can be freeing, to move any residual emotions or pain that still might be stored inside the body temple.
-Know that this letter is for YOU. You do not have to share it with anyone, unless you want to. It is absolutely confidential, so you can allow your heart to be vulnerable. It is a safe space.
-If writing is not for you, consider finding a quiet place where you can be by yourself for a few minutes and have a conversation with your baby.
-Talk aloud as if you were having a chat. Do not edit your feelings. Allow them to flow from your heart. With release, comes healing.
-Find a friend or family member you feel safe with and ask if they will hold a sacred space and listen. Share about whatever holds an emotional charge or "juice" comes up for you on this day. Memories of the pregnancy, whatever phase of motherhood you experienced. This is a testimony of the love your had for our child and the bond between the two of you. This is something that will always remain. There is no right or wrong.
-Do something to nurture yourself today. If all you feel like doing is stay in bed all day, give yourself that gift. Consider this change of scenery though---to pamper yourself vs. being in bed with a box of kleenex; a cozy bed, candles lit, relaxing music in the background, a new robe, magazines, a cup of tea, some flowers near by your bed.
-Find one positive aspect. Even in our darkest moments, there is something positive that comes out of loss. Perhaps it is realizing the strength you never knew you had, or coming to find a deepening in the support from friends and family. Or the hope you have inside your heart.
Sometimes, this is the road that leads to acceptance.
-Do something to memorialize your loss tomorrow, it can as simple as lighting a candle. The ritual helps reinforce and honor the sacredness of it for you.

-Last but not least, celebrate YOU. Acknowledge yourself for being the most amazing mother. Your loving, kindness, dedication, has no timeline. Remember that you are loved and supported by the Universe.

Sending you many blessings of grace and healing on this upcoming Mother's Day. If you need support, please know that help is but a phone call away. I have a list of resources listed on my website and I would be honored to gift you a complimentary consult. To your healing and overcoming loss to thrive!

Claire

Am I my mother's daughter?

I had an experience this morning that made me pause to examine what disappointments are made of. Prompts me to ask myself again, are most disappointments ours to begin with, or did we model the feeling of disappointment from our own parents only to pass them onto our kids unknowingly? As a grief coach, one of the exercises I have my clients do is map out a loss timeline, listing every significant loss in their lives. Often, not wanting to disappoint, seeking approval for others, were often top the lists of why people grieved alone, or without support.


Often, we lean into our family by default in times of crisis and loss.  More often than not, we also model the same behaviors unconsciously, almost like an imprint by default. If you are the strong and silent type, did you ever ask yourself, where did that come from? Or if you are the martyr type, always being strong for others while inside, you broke into a hundred pieces, did you stop to ask yourself, is that REALLY you?


Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. She would have been 81 this year. Having just celebrated a birthday myself last week, I find myself asking more often than not, in which ways am I my mother's daughter. What traits did I inherit, good or bad? And which have I made my own?  


This morning, I awoke to a deep longing for a connecting with my mother. After meditation, I sat and had a brief conversation with her. Still longing for her presence, I called my father. The conversation was 2 people struggling to meet somewhere vaguely in the middle. In my mid 40's I only  yearn for my own familial connection sparingly, during significant dates such as today.  Today, I let my guard down and the tears came. Tears of letting go, release, and more acceptance, woven with letting go of control, of 20/20 hindsights of what I know now.


Having practiced what I preach to others today, I leave you with this thought. If you find yourself wandering down memory lane during your own grief journey, consider asking yourself, what part of it you can claim as your own, what part you are ready to accept, things will most likely never be the same again, and neither will you. The good thing is, after acceptance, things always feel lighter, somehow. And yes, practice loving kindness to yourself. 


This entry dedicated to my mother, and all mothers out there tonight. This was a photo taken about 11 years ago, the happiest I had ever seen her. This is how I remember my mother. Tonight. 

How to speak to a toddler about euthanasia and pet loss

A referral came in yesterday about pet loss and children. A mom emailed, sharing their 17 year old cat was ready to transition. She wasn't sure if she should tell her 3 1/2 year old daughter, what to tell her etc. For some of us life long pet lovers, the first time we dealt with "death" was as a child. I cannot overemphasize the importance of honesty.  It can lay the foundation for how we deal with loss the rest of our lives.  (Bury our feelings, get another pet, grief alone, etc).


Our pets are more than a member of our family, and this is one of the hardest choices we have to make on behalf of our furry family member who cannot speak.


So what do we say? 
Honesty is the best policy. Don't make up answers in an effort to make your child feel better. 
My mother passed away 4 years ago. My daughter knows that both her grandmothers are dead. They were sick (truth). She asks me where they went.  I told her that we don’t really know where one goes when we die (literally, religious beliefs aside). 


Below are some additional tips and pointers.

Spend some time describing what “death” is for an animal companion. He is sick, he will stop breathing, he won’t be able to play with your child anymore. His body will be still, his fur will be cold. You may want to have this discussion with your child before the euthanasia process. Explain in simple terms what Euthanasia is if your child is older. Also at this time, review some happy memories about your beloved animal companion. Be open to discussing feelings your child might have. Ask your child how he/she feels, sad, mad, etc. ask if he/she wants to share anything with your beloved pet (a story, a stuffed animal, draw a picture).  

Don’t use the term your pet "went to sleep" in connection with death, or your child may develop a fear of going to sleep because he/she is afraid that, like your pet, they won't wake up. Consider finding an alternative phrase than saying that the pet was so sick it went to sleep or went to heaven, your child may fear that this may happen to her if he/she becomes sick or injured. Your child may also fear that if this could happen to the family pet it could also happen to someone else in the family, like Mommy or Daddy.

Consider making a pawprint or clipping some hair to have as a keepsake. Create some rituals after the euthanasia to bond with your family. Go to the library and check out children’s book dealing with pet loss. I also have written one called My Heart Remembers My Pet that is available as a pdf.

Be sure to be gentle with yourself too. As parents, in making sure our kids are fine, our own sorrows sometimes takes a back seat.  Kids are transparent. Like sponges, their open hearts can handle honesty. Allow your heart to be too. Sharing your feelings with your child will bring additional comfort.