Why I am not sugarcoating my loss

As a grief coach, I try to keep my personal life and professional life separate. A few weeks ago, the 2 intersected when I experienced a miscarriage. I have come through the other side and decided to write about it to help others.  In this post, you will find practical and healing tips for navigation through loss.

http://clairegillenson.com/why-i-am-not-sugarcoating-my-loss/

Capturing the memories of your pet with a painted pet portrait

There are framed photos of my beloved four-legged family dotting the walls in my home. Each one reminds me of different kodak moments we have shared. The other day, I had the wonderful experience of connecting with Karen Vaisman, who shared with me another way to cherish, celebrate, and commemorate a much loved pet. Karen's artistic expertise magically transforms a photo of your beloved pet into a magnificent painting. I have a special wall in the kitchen filled with keepsakes from Casey and Sophie that would be a perfect spot for this memorial keepsake.

Established in 1990, Karen's Photography Studio has been serving families in the Conejo Valley capturing memories that are treasured. Her love of children, the important bonds of family and her joy of pet photography is evident in her work. She specializes in unique art pieces, large wall portraits, canvases and custom designed albums. Give her a ring and order your holiday portraits today:)

Even in pain, there can be joy--a tale of two arms

My arm ached this morning when I woke up. Titanium rod, metal ball and socket, cadaver calve tissue binding the clavicle, minus bicep, triceps and deltoid. My journey with cancer 24 years ago severely limited mobility in my right arm. Over the years, I learned to adapt using one arm. Learning the art of removing plates stacked in the cupboard, asking for help with changing lightbulbs, doing one armed downward dogs during yoga. My left arm helps out where the right one can't.

Most recently, Kayman asked me for an "airplane ride". She loves to be lifted into the air. I remember seeing parents with babies at the park a few years back. Lifting them up in the air, and feeling a longing to do the same. As much as I wanted to do this, I never will be able to.
The other night, my heart sank for a few seconds when she asked. Then I shifted and told her to ask Michael for a "ride". Below are some pix of the next 2 minutes that made my heart sing.
Since I couldn't do it for myself, I gave myself some love and acceptance and asked for help.

When life hands you lemons, you CAN make lemonade. Instead of being angry, bitter about the things I can no longer do with my right arm, I try to be in a state of gratitude and acceptance. Grateful that I have my right hand from which I am typing out this blog. Acceptance by looking at physical challenges one at a time, so that I do not overwhelm myself with all of the things I can no longer do. I focus on what I CAN do, taking action steps to move forward. I can't give Kayman an airplane ride, but I love giving her the biggest hugs every moment I can.

I love this quote by Joseph Campbell:
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."

So today, I leave you with this. Wherever you are in your life right now, find one thing joyful to celebrate. If you are struggling with life transitions as a result of events in your own life, know that you are never alone and you don't need to go it alone.

Why returning Casey Chew's remains back to mother earth is a good thing

I have been staring at Casey Chew's remains for some time. She sat in a brocade box on my altar where I began most morning chanting. It has been 2 months since her transition. I have been resistant with anything that anything to do with it. In my email inbox sat the digital photo proofs from her farewell party, amazing photos from Bark Photography that made my hearts sing every time I peek at them. All I had to do was pick out my favorites to be retouched. And yet, I couldn't pick them out.

Some says timing is everything. It's been a a few weeks since our newest family member Shanti made her way into our hearts via Santa Monica Shelter. We did not plan her arrival. I saw her and fell in love. There were 3 other families ahead of us on the waiting list. Yet that morning, no one else showed up. This was about the same time I shipped off the first order from our 28 days of Grief and Healing via Amazon.com, a project dedicated to my first dog Sophie thinking and thinking about Casey as I headed off to UPS.

This was also about the same time I planted the first of our fall veggies in the organic garden out front where Casey liked to play. It is also now where Shanti likes to play and explore.


Timing is everything. During the animal communicator's reading I had right before her transition, Casey shared that she was ready to transition, knowing Michael was there to support me gave her comfort. A few weeks later, Michael and I decided to get married and eloped. How could she have known?

So yesterday, with Shanti at my feet, it felt fitting to return Casey back to Mother Earth. And to complete a cycle of completion

Why the veggie garden you ask?

-Casey ate home cooked meals, with veggies from the garden she loved
-She loved to play and sunbathe in the front yard
-She loved the smell of rosemary and lavender (hence the choice of a lavender bush for her)
-It is where she spent her last day, in the front garden surrounded by her closest friends and family
-It is where I have many fond memories of us together, none of them involves being boxed up.

Thanks to the amazing friends at Let your love grow, I returned Casey to mother earth yesterday, in the garden, commemorating one of her favorite spots to sniff with a lavender bush.

Our lovely organic garden

Casey's remains and Let your love grow planting medium.

Mix remains with plan medium (1 cup cremains, with medium plant container. Mix)

You can line the container with a liner or mix medium right into the ground.
I decided to put her back into mother earth, straight up.

Then, simply add plant and water with lots of love.
This was a loving way for me to memorialize Casey, in completing the cycle of life and death, and also to know that her spirit and soul will continue to grow and be with us!


If this was interesting for you, please sign up on Clairechew.com to receive more timely information relating to grief and loss. Or leave a comment about what you have done with your pet's cremains. Lots of love and light until next time. Btw- I also finished editing the photos from Casey's farewell party---just in time for the Healing from Pet Loss through Art Workshop I will be holding October 9th, 2011. An afternoon of sharing, scrapbooking pages for Casey's album. I hope to see you there!

Grieving and breath work

In moments of darkness, try bringing the mind to breath will calm one's life. This morning, I practiced some simple breath work with a client experiencing anxiety and upset and it reminded me how our body temple is a truly amazing tool to re-balance our emotional states. Try this for a few minutes whenever you are stressed or find yourself having a "moment".


4x4 pranayama purifying breath to de-stress exercise.(A thank you to a dear friendCat Williford's post for reminding me of this exercise.) This helps bring your mind to your breath, back to focusing on you and not the things that's come unglued in your daily life.

Step 1: Sit with a straight spine or lie down.
Step 2: Inhale to a slow count of 4.
Step 3: Hold your breath for a slow count of four.
Step 4: Exhale to a slow count of 4.
Step 5: Rest with no breath for a count of 4.
Repeat twice more.

This one taken from Dying into Life, The yoga of Death Loss and Transformation.
Left nostril breathing is a calming breath. This is something you can do when you are feeling tense, upset or nervous. This will also help if you are having trouble sleeping.

Sit with a straight spine or lie down.
Take your right thumb and block your right nostril.
Inhale deeply through the left nostril for a slow count of 4.
Exhale equally slow for a count of 4.
Continue for 1-3 minutes.
For the last set,
Inhale deeply through the left nostril for a slow count of 4.
Hold your breath for a slow count of four.
Exhale equally slow for a count of 4.

What to do with ash remains and clay pawprints?

Casey's remains came back this week. A big shout out to Carol and Tracy over at Very Important Pet Mortuary . Her ashes arrived in a nice brocade urn, along with a pawprint and some of her fur clippings. The care, thoughtfulness they put into commemorating the life of a beloved fur family member is truly heartfelt. For anyone living in the Los Angeles area, I cannot speak highly of them. Here is a layout of the return of Casey Chew.

For most pet parents, this can be a very traumatic time in the grief journey. Something about seeing the ashes along with the lockets of hair together with the clay imprint brings finality to the loss. Even though I have held services, gone to viewings and cremations of clients past, I couldn't help but think to myself this morning, "wow, this is what is left of her little physical body, what would Casey like me to do with her?" In the past, I may have considered a burial at sea.

This Spring, I attended the PLPA 2nd annual conference and met up with an eco friendly urn manufacturer called Let Your Love Grow. For many years now, there is a misconception that natural cremation when mixed with the earth, return naturally to the ground. Did you know that the ashes are inert and do not naturally break down? The folks at Let Your Love Grow has created an amazing planting medium that when combined with the remains, will use the phosphorus and calcium in the remains to work magic with mother nature.
This is lovely and fitting for Ms. Casey, who loved to be in the great outdoors with her sister Lulu.

If you have lost a beloved animal family member, did you bury, cremate or? What stories do you have to share? Stay tuned next week for what happens with the clippings and clay imprint.

Euthanasia--When is the right time?

Monday Evening: I was wrapping up work for the evening. Casey walked over and stood facing me, as if wanting to talk. Engrossed with an email, I kept typing and she walked away, only to circle back several times. Those huge eyes staring at me. I heard a voice inside my head go, It's time.
But it can't be yet. The vet had said a few more months.

Tuesday evening: We were watching TV and Michael called out to Casey. Very social, she loved to come snuggle next to us. That night, she looked at us with solemn eyes from her spot across the sectional and remained seated.It was so unlike her. My heart sank just a bit deeper. And again, the voice said, it's time. Michael looked at me and both of us at the same time knew.

Wednesday morning: As I was giving Casey her saline injections, she turned around and gave me this look, like REALLY?

Friday: Calls to the Vet, calls to the animal communicator, calls to the pet mortuary. Details, hugs, and more details.

Kayman was not going to be home until Sunday night to say goodbye. Casey and I had a talk. Intuitive coach said it was going to be a close call. I prayed alot this weekend.

Sunday: To an outsider, she looked like a pup who had a good long life. 17 beloved years. With patches of gray fur, she still loved to play with her 2 legged and 4 legged sisters. She slept most of the day and her appetite was light, yet the bigness of her spirit was still bright. At her good bye party, many commented on how much energy she had in her. We shared stories about her bright light, love of life, her sweet disposition, quirkiness. People came and went. Casey was happy. And exhausted.

Monday: We were surprised to witness Casey's decline from the day before. Today, she did not want to come out of the kennel. Kayman gave her sister one last squeeze before heading to pre-school. Kayman understood it was time and that Casey was dying. The pet doctor was coming to give her a shot to help her transition.

Casey asked me to help spread the message to all pet lovers out there. To use her as an example of a pup who was loved and is ready to go. Please share this video with all pet lovers you know.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S TIME?

TRUST---TRUST YOUR INTUITION---OPEN YOUR HEART---LEAN INTO THE PAIN----MAKE YOUR DECISIONS ON THEIR BEHALF----PUT YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL NEEDS SECOND IF YOU CAN.

With gratitude,
claire & casey

Remembering Casey Chew: 1994-2011 You will be missed.

Grief and Healing—Worden's 4 tasks of mourning

As a life transitions coach/grief specialist, I have coached many people through their journey of grief and loss from the loss. In his book, "Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, Second Edition" (Springer, 1991), J. William Worden, PhD, describes what he calls "The Four Tasks of Mourning. This morning, I am reminded of the tasks, as I get ready for the transition of our much-loved 17-year-old rat terrier, Casey Chew.


Task 1 - Accepting the reality of the loss.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross talks about denial as a stage of grief. This model was originally written for people at end stages of life. Physically, we know intellectually that our loved ones are not coming back. On an emotional level, it is harder to accept the reality of it. I often tell my clients that grieving are an emotional process, not an event. To accept the loss is real is the first step to healing.

Task 2: To work through the pain of grief.
Give yourself permission to feel the pain. Often times, we cover it up with work, keeping busy, minimizing our loss. Other short-term coping mechanisms may include the use alcohol or food. At the end of the day, giving ourselves the chance to feel the pain will help us move through it.
In the three weeks since Casey’s diagnosis of kidney failure, our family has taken time to complete our time with her in our own way. For me, talking, journaling, teaching by example has helped me work through this journey.

Task 3: To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.
When we experience a loss, we also miss the moments we shared with our loved ones. After 11 golden years with Casey, I am going to miss our walks as a family. For others, it may be the loss of a life partner, a best friend, a walking buddy, and a shopping pal.

One way to move through this is by beginning to create new rituals and meaningful activities. For the next several weeks, we will explore some new routes in the neighborhood for our daily walks.

Task 4: To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.
What does this mean? It means acknowledging the memories of our loved ones will always remain in our hearts without being attached to the memory itself. Or attached to the pain story as time goes on. The guilt of feeling good about something when the one we love is not there to share the moment with us. This can be especially difficult in the acute phase of our grief as pangs of pain tug at our heartstrings every time we think of our loved ones or beloved pet. Recognize that this is a normal part of the grieving process. Allow your emotions to surface and work through them. Talk to a friend or a therapist. Write, share, set aside time to grief each day.

Last but not least, it is ok to reach out for support. Sometimes, it takes a village to move through our grief. Since sitting down to this post, the sun has risen and I am greeted by a new day. Soon, our "village" of friends will be stopping by to say good-bye and celebrate the glorious life they had with Casey.

Explaining the pet-love to non-animal lovers via The Velveteen Rabbit

"The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.""--


Having lunch with an non-animal lover the other day, this was the analogy I used to explain the deep pet human bond and how deep and real it is.

Our pets are more than just pets, they are our family. For some who do not have children in their lives, our pets can be like a son or daughter to us.

For some non-animal lovers, it is hard to comprehend why pet lovers would compare their relationship with their furry companions to a human counterpart. So I tried to explain.
Just like in Velveteen rabbit, the bond we have with our pet deepen over time and become so deep that we can never go back.


I use Kayman, my toddler as an example. In toddlerhood, Kayman is already becoming her own person, expressing love and needs via words and gestures. While I am still her favorite person to spend time with, we have our moments of bonding and disagreements too. I know that one day in the near future, she may choose a playdate with a girlfriend over hanging out with mommie. I know that our love will always be true. It is instant, deep, everlasting. It may also sometimes be conditional.

With Casey, my 17 year old rat terrier, it happened over time. I have loved, laughed, worried, cried with joy and sadness over the years we have shared. She is unconditional in her loving for everyone. Her innate trust in me to provide shelter, food, and love for her is unwavering. She sleeps most days now, with only 10-20% of her kidneys functioning---yet saves up all of her energy to be with Kayman when she gets home from pre-school. For that special walk down the street...

I love this quote "God has your back", even when it seems like the going gets rough.
Besides God, I can say Sophie, Casey and Lulu has "gone to the mat" for me every time.
Sometimes, we have humans in our lives we love, but can't show up the way we would like them to.
Our pets always shows up, 110%. day after day.

After a bit, my friend got it.
Thank you Margery Williams Bianco...(author Velveteen Rabbit)

Picture Your Life After Cancer

I usually blog with informational tips and pointers. Today, the post is a bit more personal for me. I want to share hope for the estimated 12 million cancer survivors in the U.S., I am grateful how parts of my past has woven and shaped my life's work. A while back, I submitted the entry below to a New York Times online Picture Your Life After Cancer photo gallery. New York Times

What I wrote:
Twenty-four years after my last cancer treatment for Ewing’s sarcoma, my passion in life is helping clients transform loss and hardships into happiness. Cancer has taught me resiliency, empathy: a strength that propels me in helping guide others through their pain. It is my belief that grief and loss is not only about death and dying, it is about every disappointment we have ever faced. I work with clients to heal grief and loss from chronic illness such as cancer, divorce, miscarriage, loss of a pet to death of a loved one.
Cancer has taught me to see life through a new lens. Cancer took away mobility in my right arm and now I am ambidextrous. I didn’t save my eggs at 19, yet I overcame infertility challenges and became a mother at 40. Cancer has taught me to open my heart to the future with trust and optimism.

----
What I received in an email this afternoon.

Dear Ms. Chew:
Thank you again so much for your submission to our “Picture Your Life After Cancer” photo gallery. The response has been tremendous, with over 800 photos already collected. Now we want to share with you the exciting news that your submission to the feature has been selected for publication in a book to be published next year by the American Cancer Society. The book will comprise 200 -250 “Picture Your Life After Cancer” submissions that have appeared on The Times website.

------

I just want to share that ANYTHING is possible, especially after cancer, you just have to believe!

In deep gratitude,
Claire

Claire Chew, M.A. Life Transition Coach/Grief Specialist
-Transforming loss and hardships into happiness-

http://www.clairechew.com
http://www.luxepets.com Pet Loss Educator

The heart of the matter

Woke up asking myself this morning, how can I serve more deeply, more authentically in the work I am called to do. Last week, I spoke to a potential client who had just received the ashes of her beloved dog back from the vet. We set up an appointment to meet and she called back to share that she was not in a financial place to give herself the support she needed and would call me the following week. I get calls like this weekly, from people who are in pain and need help, and yet can not afford my service. The week before, it was from someone who had gone through a miscarriage alone. I woke up to inspired action...how can I be of service from a space where I can more people, vs. a one on one coach/client model. I came upon this video of the last days with Oden, about a man saying goodbye to his beloved family member. It reminded of WHY I do what I do. Now, how to effect change in a different way, to get to the heart of the matter, to focus on the healing, loving to each grieving pet owner so they are not alone in their pain. It is what all of our furry friends would want. Their whole job is to love us. And it my job to figure out how to create a container for us to continue experiencing that love, after they are gone.

Last Minutes with ODEN from phos pictures on Vimeo.

Rituals when mourning loss of a pet

When we experience loss, rituals and routines we’ve enjoyed with an animal companion are also lost. It can be easy to feel lonely and isolated. One of the ways we begin to heal is by creating new habits and patterns to integrate into a new way of being. This mental shift of releasing the old makes way for new beginnings. This does not mean the memories are forgotten. Merely, we are letting go of what is no longer in the physical realm. We are freeing ourselves from the attachment to the memories. We are choosing to not stay rooted in the past. The memories will forever be in our hearts. We can honor those memories in the stories we share with others, and the touchstones we create through rituals like lighting a pet memorial candle. This affirms our beloved pet will always be with us on our journeys.

Suggestions for times to light the candle:
-After waking up
-What would have been feeding time
-What would have been walking time
-After returning home from work
-Snuggle time at night
-When you are missing your beloved pet
-When you are reminded by a story or a memory

I need your help.

On most days, I blog about experiences around pet loss, grief and loss, miscarriage loss, providing what I hope is helpful loss advice.

Well...today, I am feeling a bit different. It's been a few weeks since I blogged. I want to pull back the curtain a little bit and share something more personal.
Here goes.

I was out recently at dinner with a dear friend, and we were catching up on things. I had recently celebrated a birthday, turning 43, I found myself having BIG shifts in consciousness about how I want to continue grief and loss coaching. The past 2 months held big dates for me. April was the anniversary of my dog's transition, my mother's suicide. May marked the end of my marriage. These markers were a gift to let go some more.

Maybe it's the reminder of my 3.5 year old toddler talking about the upcoming transition of our beloved 17 year old Casey. Maybe it's learning about a friend's relapse with cancer that jogged life's preciousness. Maybe it is the shared experience with a friend who's father passed away this week, and holding her hand as she went through it. Maybe, who knows right?

Anyhow, the important part, is I am here. And I have been listening to what my clients have saying the past few years about loss. "I wished I knew about you when this was happening..."

And I wanted to shout out...I wished I knew you then too! I could have help make that experience a more peaceful and loving one.

It has made me think about revamping the way I do business based on what YOU have told me you need.

But, in order to do that, I realize I can't do it alone.
I have been holding back on asking, because I was nervous about sharing more of myself from this deep place of knowing, holding the vision and....

The truth is, I am going to need your help.

At conferences, networking events, cocktail parties, parties, playgroups, I met many of you who shared your loss experience. I listened. I compiled notes. I hibernated this last month to create.

Now, I think I am ready to share it. But I need your help to do it.
I will be back with more details in a few days about this from grief to love program.

Meanwhile, I would LOVE your input. Can you share with me a situation where you found yourself grieving, having to make a life changing decision (like when it is time to say goodbye to a dear pet), or going through the thick of it with a divorce, where you could have really used some support?

In service,
Claire

Dedicated to the mothers who are missing their babies

Happy pre-mother's day. There will be many posts on Facebook tomorrow, filled with love and appreciation to all of the mothers out there. I celebrate all of us. The love, dedication, strength, care, spans across the globe, filling rooms.

However, tonight's post is dedicated to all of the mothers I know, who are missing their babies. I celebrate their strength, their love, their dreams and hopes, of what might have been. Whether it ended in miscarriage, stillbirth, whether the baby lived one minute or one year or more, this is a salute to these mothers, and the strength in their light that shines amidst their darkness.

For some, tomorrow will be a difficult day. The memory of their baby/child will always be in their heart. As they continue to integrate the loss, they find that life goes on. The sadness never quite goes away altogether, but becomes woven into a new tapestry that they will weave, with new memories and new meanings. A memory that will never be forgotten. Memories may fade a bit over time, but the love never will.

This is for YOU, all the mothers out there who are missing their angel babies. Below are some things you can do to celebrate the mother in you tomorrow, however it feels right for you. Motherhood is not calculated in minutes, but the essence of the mother in you. The mother you already am and have always been.

If you find yourself grieving over your recent or not so recent loss, below are some things you can do on Mother's Day in remembrance of your angel baby.

-Consider writing a letter to your baby. Share your thoughts, hopes and dreams.
-By putting your thoughts onto paper, it can be freeing, to move any residual emotions or pain that still might be stored inside the body temple.
-Know that this letter is for YOU. You do not have to share it with anyone, unless you want to. It is absolutely confidential, so you can allow your heart to be vulnerable. It is a safe space.
-If writing is not for you, consider finding a quiet place where you can be by yourself for a few minutes and have a conversation with your baby.
-Talk aloud as if you were having a chat. Do not edit your feelings. Allow them to flow from your heart. With release, comes healing.
-Find a friend or family member you feel safe with and ask if they will hold a sacred space and listen. Share about whatever holds an emotional charge or "juice" comes up for you on this day. Memories of the pregnancy, whatever phase of motherhood you experienced. This is a testimony of the love your had for our child and the bond between the two of you. This is something that will always remain. There is no right or wrong.
-Do something to nurture yourself today. If all you feel like doing is stay in bed all day, give yourself that gift. Consider this change of scenery though---to pamper yourself vs. being in bed with a box of kleenex; a cozy bed, candles lit, relaxing music in the background, a new robe, magazines, a cup of tea, some flowers near by your bed.
-Find one positive aspect. Even in our darkest moments, there is something positive that comes out of loss. Perhaps it is realizing the strength you never knew you had, or coming to find a deepening in the support from friends and family. Or the hope you have inside your heart.
Sometimes, this is the road that leads to acceptance.
-Do something to memorialize your loss tomorrow, it can as simple as lighting a candle. The ritual helps reinforce and honor the sacredness of it for you.

-Last but not least, celebrate YOU. Acknowledge yourself for being the most amazing mother. Your loving, kindness, dedication, has no timeline. Remember that you are loved and supported by the Universe.

Sending you many blessings of grace and healing on this upcoming Mother's Day. If you need support, please know that help is but a phone call away. I have a list of resources listed on my website and I would be honored to gift you a complimentary consult. To your healing and overcoming loss to thrive!

Claire

Out of loss, into peace with "OM shantih, shantih, shantih"

When we are grieving, our peace is disturbed. Everything that is familiar becomes uprooted and we find ourselves navigating turbulent emotions ranging from sadness, anger to guilt. One of the things we can do for ourselves is to find new ways to anchor ourselves during this challenging time.

One way I've found to help me in my time of feeling displaced and ungrounded is setting the intention of peace within. You can do this by this simple invocation. In the yoga tradition, the word shanti means peace. The power is not only in our words, but our intention. If we are mindful in our intention, this can be a powerful way to restore order to the chaos. The teaching of this practice of repeating "OM shantih, shantih, shantih" is multi-layered. The himalayan institute does an amazing way of gracefully explaining it. Below please find an excerpt.


A Simple Invocation of peace.
Suffering is extinguished by taking refuge in transcendental consciousness—this conviction is fundamental to yoga. In the chorus “OM shantih, shantih, shantih,” this principle is embodied by the recitation of the sound OM. But as the Sankhya teachers pointed out, suffering in this world is threefold and woven together into a seamless whole. Therefore the word shantih is recited three times. The first recitation refers to the pain arising from conflicts among forces that are normally beyond the knowledge and influence of beings on this planet, a pain termed in Sanskrit adhidaivika (adhi ‘from the presence of’; daivika ‘divine or supernatural agencies’). Examples that early teachers gave of adhidaivika pains included such natural disasters as droughts, storms, earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions. But such examples also represent a deeper reality than the one we normally perceive with our senses—a reality in which the forces of nature themselves are struggling for balance and harmony.

The second source of pain is called adhibhautika (bhautika ‘manifested beings of all kinds’). Suffering at this level is the result of painful interactions with others. In addition to interpersonal conflicts, adhibhautika pain includes interactions with animals. War is perhaps the most devastating example of this kind of pain, but unpleasant interactions with family, friends, and co-workers are much more common experiences of it.

Suffering arising from within one’s self is the third type of pain. Physical illness is the most common example. Mental distress brought about by conflicting desires or by lapses in judgment also arises from this plane of experience. The source of suffering here is the most familiar of all, termed adhyatmika pain (atmika ‘related to the self’).

Try incorporating this into your grief "ritual" if you are grieving a loss or feeling imbalance to bring you back to center.

Practicing Vipassana in Grief

This morning at breakfast, my daughter asked me why the petals on the purple tulips were missing. The bouquet arrived last week for my birthday. After a week of being the centerpiece on our dining room table, it began shedding its bloom the past few days. Kayman and I had great fun, using the vibrant pieces as counting exercises.

"What happened to them?" she said, holding one up. I shared that is where all flowers must go someday, that it had wilted. "Oh, you mean it died?" Yes, I replied. "Like your mommie?" Pause.

Well, yes and no. By that time, her focus had gone elsewhere and off to pre-school we went.

However, it gave me pause to reflect. Grief and loss, death and dying, so many levels of it occur in everyday life. How is it we are as a matter of fact about some things while we are torn up by others?

As a practicing buddhist, I often try to incorporate some of the teachings I've learned into my grief work. We intrinsically know that all things, living things, our loved ones, and ourselves, are impermanent. Yet, we can't help but become emotionally attached to the things and people we love.

When we experience a loss, there is suffering. Out of the suffering comes our attachment to what was. In our desires to make relationships last, we are overcome with pain,and disappointment when it ends. We do not feel in control. And wanting to feel some sort of control over our pain, we get on the emotionally roller coaster of pain.

Sometimes, we try to drown the awareness of our pain with avoidance. Avoidance by burying ourselves in our work, with food, with shopping, with television.

Yet,inevitably we end up feeling anxious, depressed, sadness or anger.

What can we do to move through our grief?

By accepting what is.

Easier said than done right?

By practicing Vipassana meditation or mindfulness even in our grief.

There are many organizations that teaches mindfulness in mediation. On great group in Los Angeles called InSightLA offers courses to bring more joy and peace into everyday life.

Or try this simple heart opening meditation when you feel your heart closing off from the grief.

Find a comfortable place to sit down. Close your eyes. Bring your left palm flat against the heart center and place the right palm on top of the left. Let your mind settle, relax. The thoughts from the day, let them unwind. With each breath, relax your body, let your mind wander, not settling on anything in particular. Bring your awareness inwardly. Become aware of the sensations in your body, notice with each breath you are letting any outward noise fall away. Notice that anytime your mind wanders, just bring it back to center. Bring your attention to the center of your chest, where your heart is. Allow yourself to sink into your heart. Breathe into your heart. Feel the beating of your heart against your left palm. Feel your heart. Notice any emotions that come up, any energy. So much is stored in the heart. Unconditional love, compassion, kindness. Let your heart open. Allow your heart center to be filled with unconditional love, compassion, kindness for yourself.

Notice with each breath the sensations in your body, continuing to relax, let your mind come back slowly to the present. Take a few moments to sit quietly with eyes closed and surround yourself with the loving. When you are ready, open your eyes. Take a few minutes to journal and jot down any thoughts you may have had.

Am I my mother's daughter?

I had an experience this morning that made me pause to examine what disappointments are made of. Prompts me to ask myself again, are most disappointments ours to begin with, or did we model the feeling of disappointment from our own parents only to pass them onto our kids unknowingly? As a grief coach, one of the exercises I have my clients do is map out a loss timeline, listing every significant loss in their lives. Often, not wanting to disappoint, seeking approval for others, were often top the lists of why people grieved alone, or without support.


Often, we lean into our family by default in times of crisis and loss.  More often than not, we also model the same behaviors unconsciously, almost like an imprint by default. If you are the strong and silent type, did you ever ask yourself, where did that come from? Or if you are the martyr type, always being strong for others while inside, you broke into a hundred pieces, did you stop to ask yourself, is that REALLY you?


Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. She would have been 81 this year. Having just celebrated a birthday myself last week, I find myself asking more often than not, in which ways am I my mother's daughter. What traits did I inherit, good or bad? And which have I made my own?  


This morning, I awoke to a deep longing for a connecting with my mother. After meditation, I sat and had a brief conversation with her. Still longing for her presence, I called my father. The conversation was 2 people struggling to meet somewhere vaguely in the middle. In my mid 40's I only  yearn for my own familial connection sparingly, during significant dates such as today.  Today, I let my guard down and the tears came. Tears of letting go, release, and more acceptance, woven with letting go of control, of 20/20 hindsights of what I know now.


Having practiced what I preach to others today, I leave you with this thought. If you find yourself wandering down memory lane during your own grief journey, consider asking yourself, what part of it you can claim as your own, what part you are ready to accept, things will most likely never be the same again, and neither will you. The good thing is, after acceptance, things always feel lighter, somehow. And yes, practice loving kindness to yourself. 


This entry dedicated to my mother, and all mothers out there tonight. This was a photo taken about 11 years ago, the happiest I had ever seen her. This is how I remember my mother. Tonight. 

In memory of a loving friend and trusting companion

The grieving process is organic. Even years after losing a much loved companion animal, you might find your heartstrings tugged and heavy at moments. You might see a dog that looked just like yours at the park, a happy memory of something you used to do together. In times like this, it is healthy to acknowledge whatever feelings that might come up for you. Share it with a friend, or your current four-legged friend in your life. Then turn around and do something in honor of your much loved friend. Today, I was inspired to create a new series of pet sympathy cards for a compassionate care program we are launching with Veterinary Offices this Spring. Allowing the creative juices to flow warmed my heart. It was a gentle reminder of the love we shared.  I will leave you with my of my favorite quote today. "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends leave footprints in your heart." -Eleanor Roosevelt-

luxepets::pet loss and other thoughts: Light a candle in remembrance for the one you love...

luxepets::pet loss and other thoughts: Light a candle in remembrance for the one you love...: "Today, I light an In Loving Remembrance Candle in remembrance of Sophie Chew, the inspiration behind Luxepets and my grief counseling p..."

Light a candle in remembrance for the one you love and meditate

Today, I light an In Loving Remembrance Candle in remembrance of Sophie Chew, the inspiration behind Luxepets and my grief counseling practice.  It has been 8 years since her transition, and she is a constant reminder of the work I do.


If you are experience loss in your life and missing your loved one, consider lighting a candle for him/her. Our remembrance candle burns for 5 days, so you can keep it lit, or light it when you are feeling blue.


If you are grieving the loss of a beloved animal companion, you can light this candle usually when you would take your pooch for a walk, or feed your feline friend. Creating new rituals helps continue the bond you feel with your special pet.


If you are missing a much loved human, you can do the same. Since you cannot reach out and pick up the phone, light a candle and consider writing a letter to him/her. Or find a comfortable place to sit and practice being still for a few minutes. Have a conversation out loud with the person you are missing.




A great accompanying practice with lighting a candle is Trataka, a Hatha yoga kriya I've found complimentary to healing grief. According to Hatha Yoga Pradipika, “Trataka cleanses both the eyes and the cerebral cortex, balances the nervous system, and relieves depression, anxiety, and insomnia". To begin, find a quiet place to sit. Assume meditation posture. Sit at eye's level about 20"-24" away from the candle flame. Gaze at the middle part of the flame, without blinking as long as possible. Allow thoughts to come and go without attachment. Gaze until you can no longer hold the pose. Sometimes tears will appear. Gently wipe away your tears with a tissue, this is clearing impurities and grief you might be holding on. Refer to the link above for directions in more detail.


So today, blessings to all pet parents who have love and lost and am choosing love once more (as I write this, I am blessed to have 2 angels sitting at my feet, Lulu a border collie and her sweet senior sister, Casey)  The flame that burns brightly for Sophie goes out to all of you too.