Picture Your Life After Cancer

I usually blog with informational tips and pointers. Today, the post is a bit more personal for me. I want to share hope for the estimated 12 million cancer survivors in the U.S., I am grateful how parts of my past has woven and shaped my life's work. A while back, I submitted the entry below to a New York Times online Picture Your Life After Cancer photo gallery. New York Times

What I wrote:
Twenty-four years after my last cancer treatment for Ewing’s sarcoma, my passion in life is helping clients transform loss and hardships into happiness. Cancer has taught me resiliency, empathy: a strength that propels me in helping guide others through their pain. It is my belief that grief and loss is not only about death and dying, it is about every disappointment we have ever faced. I work with clients to heal grief and loss from chronic illness such as cancer, divorce, miscarriage, loss of a pet to death of a loved one.
Cancer has taught me to see life through a new lens. Cancer took away mobility in my right arm and now I am ambidextrous. I didn’t save my eggs at 19, yet I overcame infertility challenges and became a mother at 40. Cancer has taught me to open my heart to the future with trust and optimism.

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What I received in an email this afternoon.

Dear Ms. Chew:
Thank you again so much for your submission to our “Picture Your Life After Cancer” photo gallery. The response has been tremendous, with over 800 photos already collected. Now we want to share with you the exciting news that your submission to the feature has been selected for publication in a book to be published next year by the American Cancer Society. The book will comprise 200 -250 “Picture Your Life After Cancer” submissions that have appeared on The Times website.

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I just want to share that ANYTHING is possible, especially after cancer, you just have to believe!

In deep gratitude,
Claire

Claire Chew, M.A. Life Transition Coach/Grief Specialist
-Transforming loss and hardships into happiness-

http://www.clairechew.com
http://www.luxepets.com Pet Loss Educator

The heart of the matter

Woke up asking myself this morning, how can I serve more deeply, more authentically in the work I am called to do. Last week, I spoke to a potential client who had just received the ashes of her beloved dog back from the vet. We set up an appointment to meet and she called back to share that she was not in a financial place to give herself the support she needed and would call me the following week. I get calls like this weekly, from people who are in pain and need help, and yet can not afford my service. The week before, it was from someone who had gone through a miscarriage alone. I woke up to inspired action...how can I be of service from a space where I can more people, vs. a one on one coach/client model. I came upon this video of the last days with Oden, about a man saying goodbye to his beloved family member. It reminded of WHY I do what I do. Now, how to effect change in a different way, to get to the heart of the matter, to focus on the healing, loving to each grieving pet owner so they are not alone in their pain. It is what all of our furry friends would want. Their whole job is to love us. And it my job to figure out how to create a container for us to continue experiencing that love, after they are gone.

Last Minutes with ODEN from phos pictures on Vimeo.

Rituals when mourning loss of a pet

When we experience loss, rituals and routines we’ve enjoyed with an animal companion are also lost. It can be easy to feel lonely and isolated. One of the ways we begin to heal is by creating new habits and patterns to integrate into a new way of being. This mental shift of releasing the old makes way for new beginnings. This does not mean the memories are forgotten. Merely, we are letting go of what is no longer in the physical realm. We are freeing ourselves from the attachment to the memories. We are choosing to not stay rooted in the past. The memories will forever be in our hearts. We can honor those memories in the stories we share with others, and the touchstones we create through rituals like lighting a pet memorial candle. This affirms our beloved pet will always be with us on our journeys.

Suggestions for times to light the candle:
-After waking up
-What would have been feeding time
-What would have been walking time
-After returning home from work
-Snuggle time at night
-When you are missing your beloved pet
-When you are reminded by a story or a memory

I need your help.

On most days, I blog about experiences around pet loss, grief and loss, miscarriage loss, providing what I hope is helpful loss advice.

Well...today, I am feeling a bit different. It's been a few weeks since I blogged. I want to pull back the curtain a little bit and share something more personal.
Here goes.

I was out recently at dinner with a dear friend, and we were catching up on things. I had recently celebrated a birthday, turning 43, I found myself having BIG shifts in consciousness about how I want to continue grief and loss coaching. The past 2 months held big dates for me. April was the anniversary of my dog's transition, my mother's suicide. May marked the end of my marriage. These markers were a gift to let go some more.

Maybe it's the reminder of my 3.5 year old toddler talking about the upcoming transition of our beloved 17 year old Casey. Maybe it's learning about a friend's relapse with cancer that jogged life's preciousness. Maybe it is the shared experience with a friend who's father passed away this week, and holding her hand as she went through it. Maybe, who knows right?

Anyhow, the important part, is I am here. And I have been listening to what my clients have saying the past few years about loss. "I wished I knew about you when this was happening..."

And I wanted to shout out...I wished I knew you then too! I could have help make that experience a more peaceful and loving one.

It has made me think about revamping the way I do business based on what YOU have told me you need.

But, in order to do that, I realize I can't do it alone.
I have been holding back on asking, because I was nervous about sharing more of myself from this deep place of knowing, holding the vision and....

The truth is, I am going to need your help.

At conferences, networking events, cocktail parties, parties, playgroups, I met many of you who shared your loss experience. I listened. I compiled notes. I hibernated this last month to create.

Now, I think I am ready to share it. But I need your help to do it.
I will be back with more details in a few days about this from grief to love program.

Meanwhile, I would LOVE your input. Can you share with me a situation where you found yourself grieving, having to make a life changing decision (like when it is time to say goodbye to a dear pet), or going through the thick of it with a divorce, where you could have really used some support?

In service,
Claire

Dedicated to the mothers who are missing their babies

Happy pre-mother's day. There will be many posts on Facebook tomorrow, filled with love and appreciation to all of the mothers out there. I celebrate all of us. The love, dedication, strength, care, spans across the globe, filling rooms.

However, tonight's post is dedicated to all of the mothers I know, who are missing their babies. I celebrate their strength, their love, their dreams and hopes, of what might have been. Whether it ended in miscarriage, stillbirth, whether the baby lived one minute or one year or more, this is a salute to these mothers, and the strength in their light that shines amidst their darkness.

For some, tomorrow will be a difficult day. The memory of their baby/child will always be in their heart. As they continue to integrate the loss, they find that life goes on. The sadness never quite goes away altogether, but becomes woven into a new tapestry that they will weave, with new memories and new meanings. A memory that will never be forgotten. Memories may fade a bit over time, but the love never will.

This is for YOU, all the mothers out there who are missing their angel babies. Below are some things you can do to celebrate the mother in you tomorrow, however it feels right for you. Motherhood is not calculated in minutes, but the essence of the mother in you. The mother you already am and have always been.

If you find yourself grieving over your recent or not so recent loss, below are some things you can do on Mother's Day in remembrance of your angel baby.

-Consider writing a letter to your baby. Share your thoughts, hopes and dreams.
-By putting your thoughts onto paper, it can be freeing, to move any residual emotions or pain that still might be stored inside the body temple.
-Know that this letter is for YOU. You do not have to share it with anyone, unless you want to. It is absolutely confidential, so you can allow your heart to be vulnerable. It is a safe space.
-If writing is not for you, consider finding a quiet place where you can be by yourself for a few minutes and have a conversation with your baby.
-Talk aloud as if you were having a chat. Do not edit your feelings. Allow them to flow from your heart. With release, comes healing.
-Find a friend or family member you feel safe with and ask if they will hold a sacred space and listen. Share about whatever holds an emotional charge or "juice" comes up for you on this day. Memories of the pregnancy, whatever phase of motherhood you experienced. This is a testimony of the love your had for our child and the bond between the two of you. This is something that will always remain. There is no right or wrong.
-Do something to nurture yourself today. If all you feel like doing is stay in bed all day, give yourself that gift. Consider this change of scenery though---to pamper yourself vs. being in bed with a box of kleenex; a cozy bed, candles lit, relaxing music in the background, a new robe, magazines, a cup of tea, some flowers near by your bed.
-Find one positive aspect. Even in our darkest moments, there is something positive that comes out of loss. Perhaps it is realizing the strength you never knew you had, or coming to find a deepening in the support from friends and family. Or the hope you have inside your heart.
Sometimes, this is the road that leads to acceptance.
-Do something to memorialize your loss tomorrow, it can as simple as lighting a candle. The ritual helps reinforce and honor the sacredness of it for you.

-Last but not least, celebrate YOU. Acknowledge yourself for being the most amazing mother. Your loving, kindness, dedication, has no timeline. Remember that you are loved and supported by the Universe.

Sending you many blessings of grace and healing on this upcoming Mother's Day. If you need support, please know that help is but a phone call away. I have a list of resources listed on my website and I would be honored to gift you a complimentary consult. To your healing and overcoming loss to thrive!

Claire

Out of loss, into peace with "OM shantih, shantih, shantih"

When we are grieving, our peace is disturbed. Everything that is familiar becomes uprooted and we find ourselves navigating turbulent emotions ranging from sadness, anger to guilt. One of the things we can do for ourselves is to find new ways to anchor ourselves during this challenging time.

One way I've found to help me in my time of feeling displaced and ungrounded is setting the intention of peace within. You can do this by this simple invocation. In the yoga tradition, the word shanti means peace. The power is not only in our words, but our intention. If we are mindful in our intention, this can be a powerful way to restore order to the chaos. The teaching of this practice of repeating "OM shantih, shantih, shantih" is multi-layered. The himalayan institute does an amazing way of gracefully explaining it. Below please find an excerpt.


A Simple Invocation of peace.
Suffering is extinguished by taking refuge in transcendental consciousness—this conviction is fundamental to yoga. In the chorus “OM shantih, shantih, shantih,” this principle is embodied by the recitation of the sound OM. But as the Sankhya teachers pointed out, suffering in this world is threefold and woven together into a seamless whole. Therefore the word shantih is recited three times. The first recitation refers to the pain arising from conflicts among forces that are normally beyond the knowledge and influence of beings on this planet, a pain termed in Sanskrit adhidaivika (adhi ‘from the presence of’; daivika ‘divine or supernatural agencies’). Examples that early teachers gave of adhidaivika pains included such natural disasters as droughts, storms, earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions. But such examples also represent a deeper reality than the one we normally perceive with our senses—a reality in which the forces of nature themselves are struggling for balance and harmony.

The second source of pain is called adhibhautika (bhautika ‘manifested beings of all kinds’). Suffering at this level is the result of painful interactions with others. In addition to interpersonal conflicts, adhibhautika pain includes interactions with animals. War is perhaps the most devastating example of this kind of pain, but unpleasant interactions with family, friends, and co-workers are much more common experiences of it.

Suffering arising from within one’s self is the third type of pain. Physical illness is the most common example. Mental distress brought about by conflicting desires or by lapses in judgment also arises from this plane of experience. The source of suffering here is the most familiar of all, termed adhyatmika pain (atmika ‘related to the self’).

Try incorporating this into your grief "ritual" if you are grieving a loss or feeling imbalance to bring you back to center.

Practicing Vipassana in Grief

This morning at breakfast, my daughter asked me why the petals on the purple tulips were missing. The bouquet arrived last week for my birthday. After a week of being the centerpiece on our dining room table, it began shedding its bloom the past few days. Kayman and I had great fun, using the vibrant pieces as counting exercises.

"What happened to them?" she said, holding one up. I shared that is where all flowers must go someday, that it had wilted. "Oh, you mean it died?" Yes, I replied. "Like your mommie?" Pause.

Well, yes and no. By that time, her focus had gone elsewhere and off to pre-school we went.

However, it gave me pause to reflect. Grief and loss, death and dying, so many levels of it occur in everyday life. How is it we are as a matter of fact about some things while we are torn up by others?

As a practicing buddhist, I often try to incorporate some of the teachings I've learned into my grief work. We intrinsically know that all things, living things, our loved ones, and ourselves, are impermanent. Yet, we can't help but become emotionally attached to the things and people we love.

When we experience a loss, there is suffering. Out of the suffering comes our attachment to what was. In our desires to make relationships last, we are overcome with pain,and disappointment when it ends. We do not feel in control. And wanting to feel some sort of control over our pain, we get on the emotionally roller coaster of pain.

Sometimes, we try to drown the awareness of our pain with avoidance. Avoidance by burying ourselves in our work, with food, with shopping, with television.

Yet,inevitably we end up feeling anxious, depressed, sadness or anger.

What can we do to move through our grief?

By accepting what is.

Easier said than done right?

By practicing Vipassana meditation or mindfulness even in our grief.

There are many organizations that teaches mindfulness in mediation. On great group in Los Angeles called InSightLA offers courses to bring more joy and peace into everyday life.

Or try this simple heart opening meditation when you feel your heart closing off from the grief.

Find a comfortable place to sit down. Close your eyes. Bring your left palm flat against the heart center and place the right palm on top of the left. Let your mind settle, relax. The thoughts from the day, let them unwind. With each breath, relax your body, let your mind wander, not settling on anything in particular. Bring your awareness inwardly. Become aware of the sensations in your body, notice with each breath you are letting any outward noise fall away. Notice that anytime your mind wanders, just bring it back to center. Bring your attention to the center of your chest, where your heart is. Allow yourself to sink into your heart. Breathe into your heart. Feel the beating of your heart against your left palm. Feel your heart. Notice any emotions that come up, any energy. So much is stored in the heart. Unconditional love, compassion, kindness. Let your heart open. Allow your heart center to be filled with unconditional love, compassion, kindness for yourself.

Notice with each breath the sensations in your body, continuing to relax, let your mind come back slowly to the present. Take a few moments to sit quietly with eyes closed and surround yourself with the loving. When you are ready, open your eyes. Take a few minutes to journal and jot down any thoughts you may have had.