Dedicated to the mothers who are missing their babies

Happy pre-mother's day. There will be many posts on Facebook tomorrow, filled with love and appreciation to all of the mothers out there. I celebrate all of us. The love, dedication, strength, care, spans across the globe, filling rooms.

However, tonight's post is dedicated to all of the mothers I know, who are missing their babies. I celebrate their strength, their love, their dreams and hopes, of what might have been. Whether it ended in miscarriage, stillbirth, whether the baby lived one minute or one year or more, this is a salute to these mothers, and the strength in their light that shines amidst their darkness.

For some, tomorrow will be a difficult day. The memory of their baby/child will always be in their heart. As they continue to integrate the loss, they find that life goes on. The sadness never quite goes away altogether, but becomes woven into a new tapestry that they will weave, with new memories and new meanings. A memory that will never be forgotten. Memories may fade a bit over time, but the love never will.

This is for YOU, all the mothers out there who are missing their angel babies. Below are some things you can do to celebrate the mother in you tomorrow, however it feels right for you. Motherhood is not calculated in minutes, but the essence of the mother in you. The mother you already am and have always been.

If you find yourself grieving over your recent or not so recent loss, below are some things you can do on Mother's Day in remembrance of your angel baby.

-Consider writing a letter to your baby. Share your thoughts, hopes and dreams.
-By putting your thoughts onto paper, it can be freeing, to move any residual emotions or pain that still might be stored inside the body temple.
-Know that this letter is for YOU. You do not have to share it with anyone, unless you want to. It is absolutely confidential, so you can allow your heart to be vulnerable. It is a safe space.
-If writing is not for you, consider finding a quiet place where you can be by yourself for a few minutes and have a conversation with your baby.
-Talk aloud as if you were having a chat. Do not edit your feelings. Allow them to flow from your heart. With release, comes healing.
-Find a friend or family member you feel safe with and ask if they will hold a sacred space and listen. Share about whatever holds an emotional charge or "juice" comes up for you on this day. Memories of the pregnancy, whatever phase of motherhood you experienced. This is a testimony of the love your had for our child and the bond between the two of you. This is something that will always remain. There is no right or wrong.
-Do something to nurture yourself today. If all you feel like doing is stay in bed all day, give yourself that gift. Consider this change of scenery though---to pamper yourself vs. being in bed with a box of kleenex; a cozy bed, candles lit, relaxing music in the background, a new robe, magazines, a cup of tea, some flowers near by your bed.
-Find one positive aspect. Even in our darkest moments, there is something positive that comes out of loss. Perhaps it is realizing the strength you never knew you had, or coming to find a deepening in the support from friends and family. Or the hope you have inside your heart.
Sometimes, this is the road that leads to acceptance.
-Do something to memorialize your loss tomorrow, it can as simple as lighting a candle. The ritual helps reinforce and honor the sacredness of it for you.

-Last but not least, celebrate YOU. Acknowledge yourself for being the most amazing mother. Your loving, kindness, dedication, has no timeline. Remember that you are loved and supported by the Universe.

Sending you many blessings of grace and healing on this upcoming Mother's Day. If you need support, please know that help is but a phone call away. I have a list of resources listed on my website and I would be honored to gift you a complimentary consult. To your healing and overcoming loss to thrive!

Claire

Out of loss, into peace with "OM shantih, shantih, shantih"

When we are grieving, our peace is disturbed. Everything that is familiar becomes uprooted and we find ourselves navigating turbulent emotions ranging from sadness, anger to guilt. One of the things we can do for ourselves is to find new ways to anchor ourselves during this challenging time.

One way I've found to help me in my time of feeling displaced and ungrounded is setting the intention of peace within. You can do this by this simple invocation. In the yoga tradition, the word shanti means peace. The power is not only in our words, but our intention. If we are mindful in our intention, this can be a powerful way to restore order to the chaos. The teaching of this practice of repeating "OM shantih, shantih, shantih" is multi-layered. The himalayan institute does an amazing way of gracefully explaining it. Below please find an excerpt.


A Simple Invocation of peace.
Suffering is extinguished by taking refuge in transcendental consciousness—this conviction is fundamental to yoga. In the chorus “OM shantih, shantih, shantih,” this principle is embodied by the recitation of the sound OM. But as the Sankhya teachers pointed out, suffering in this world is threefold and woven together into a seamless whole. Therefore the word shantih is recited three times. The first recitation refers to the pain arising from conflicts among forces that are normally beyond the knowledge and influence of beings on this planet, a pain termed in Sanskrit adhidaivika (adhi ‘from the presence of’; daivika ‘divine or supernatural agencies’). Examples that early teachers gave of adhidaivika pains included such natural disasters as droughts, storms, earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions. But such examples also represent a deeper reality than the one we normally perceive with our senses—a reality in which the forces of nature themselves are struggling for balance and harmony.

The second source of pain is called adhibhautika (bhautika ‘manifested beings of all kinds’). Suffering at this level is the result of painful interactions with others. In addition to interpersonal conflicts, adhibhautika pain includes interactions with animals. War is perhaps the most devastating example of this kind of pain, but unpleasant interactions with family, friends, and co-workers are much more common experiences of it.

Suffering arising from within one’s self is the third type of pain. Physical illness is the most common example. Mental distress brought about by conflicting desires or by lapses in judgment also arises from this plane of experience. The source of suffering here is the most familiar of all, termed adhyatmika pain (atmika ‘related to the self’).

Try incorporating this into your grief "ritual" if you are grieving a loss or feeling imbalance to bring you back to center.

Practicing Vipassana in Grief

This morning at breakfast, my daughter asked me why the petals on the purple tulips were missing. The bouquet arrived last week for my birthday. After a week of being the centerpiece on our dining room table, it began shedding its bloom the past few days. Kayman and I had great fun, using the vibrant pieces as counting exercises.

"What happened to them?" she said, holding one up. I shared that is where all flowers must go someday, that it had wilted. "Oh, you mean it died?" Yes, I replied. "Like your mommie?" Pause.

Well, yes and no. By that time, her focus had gone elsewhere and off to pre-school we went.

However, it gave me pause to reflect. Grief and loss, death and dying, so many levels of it occur in everyday life. How is it we are as a matter of fact about some things while we are torn up by others?

As a practicing buddhist, I often try to incorporate some of the teachings I've learned into my grief work. We intrinsically know that all things, living things, our loved ones, and ourselves, are impermanent. Yet, we can't help but become emotionally attached to the things and people we love.

When we experience a loss, there is suffering. Out of the suffering comes our attachment to what was. In our desires to make relationships last, we are overcome with pain,and disappointment when it ends. We do not feel in control. And wanting to feel some sort of control over our pain, we get on the emotionally roller coaster of pain.

Sometimes, we try to drown the awareness of our pain with avoidance. Avoidance by burying ourselves in our work, with food, with shopping, with television.

Yet,inevitably we end up feeling anxious, depressed, sadness or anger.

What can we do to move through our grief?

By accepting what is.

Easier said than done right?

By practicing Vipassana meditation or mindfulness even in our grief.

There are many organizations that teaches mindfulness in mediation. On great group in Los Angeles called InSightLA offers courses to bring more joy and peace into everyday life.

Or try this simple heart opening meditation when you feel your heart closing off from the grief.

Find a comfortable place to sit down. Close your eyes. Bring your left palm flat against the heart center and place the right palm on top of the left. Let your mind settle, relax. The thoughts from the day, let them unwind. With each breath, relax your body, let your mind wander, not settling on anything in particular. Bring your awareness inwardly. Become aware of the sensations in your body, notice with each breath you are letting any outward noise fall away. Notice that anytime your mind wanders, just bring it back to center. Bring your attention to the center of your chest, where your heart is. Allow yourself to sink into your heart. Breathe into your heart. Feel the beating of your heart against your left palm. Feel your heart. Notice any emotions that come up, any energy. So much is stored in the heart. Unconditional love, compassion, kindness. Let your heart open. Allow your heart center to be filled with unconditional love, compassion, kindness for yourself.

Notice with each breath the sensations in your body, continuing to relax, let your mind come back slowly to the present. Take a few moments to sit quietly with eyes closed and surround yourself with the loving. When you are ready, open your eyes. Take a few minutes to journal and jot down any thoughts you may have had.

Am I my mother's daughter?

I had an experience this morning that made me pause to examine what disappointments are made of. Prompts me to ask myself again, are most disappointments ours to begin with, or did we model the feeling of disappointment from our own parents only to pass them onto our kids unknowingly? As a grief coach, one of the exercises I have my clients do is map out a loss timeline, listing every significant loss in their lives. Often, not wanting to disappoint, seeking approval for others, were often top the lists of why people grieved alone, or without support.


Often, we lean into our family by default in times of crisis and loss.  More often than not, we also model the same behaviors unconsciously, almost like an imprint by default. If you are the strong and silent type, did you ever ask yourself, where did that come from? Or if you are the martyr type, always being strong for others while inside, you broke into a hundred pieces, did you stop to ask yourself, is that REALLY you?


Today is the anniversary of my mother's death. She would have been 81 this year. Having just celebrated a birthday myself last week, I find myself asking more often than not, in which ways am I my mother's daughter. What traits did I inherit, good or bad? And which have I made my own?  


This morning, I awoke to a deep longing for a connecting with my mother. After meditation, I sat and had a brief conversation with her. Still longing for her presence, I called my father. The conversation was 2 people struggling to meet somewhere vaguely in the middle. In my mid 40's I only  yearn for my own familial connection sparingly, during significant dates such as today.  Today, I let my guard down and the tears came. Tears of letting go, release, and more acceptance, woven with letting go of control, of 20/20 hindsights of what I know now.


Having practiced what I preach to others today, I leave you with this thought. If you find yourself wandering down memory lane during your own grief journey, consider asking yourself, what part of it you can claim as your own, what part you are ready to accept, things will most likely never be the same again, and neither will you. The good thing is, after acceptance, things always feel lighter, somehow. And yes, practice loving kindness to yourself. 


This entry dedicated to my mother, and all mothers out there tonight. This was a photo taken about 11 years ago, the happiest I had ever seen her. This is how I remember my mother. Tonight. 

In memory of a loving friend and trusting companion

The grieving process is organic. Even years after losing a much loved companion animal, you might find your heartstrings tugged and heavy at moments. You might see a dog that looked just like yours at the park, a happy memory of something you used to do together. In times like this, it is healthy to acknowledge whatever feelings that might come up for you. Share it with a friend, or your current four-legged friend in your life. Then turn around and do something in honor of your much loved friend. Today, I was inspired to create a new series of pet sympathy cards for a compassionate care program we are launching with Veterinary Offices this Spring. Allowing the creative juices to flow warmed my heart. It was a gentle reminder of the love we shared.  I will leave you with my of my favorite quote today. "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends leave footprints in your heart." -Eleanor Roosevelt-

luxepets::pet loss and other thoughts: Light a candle in remembrance for the one you love...

luxepets::pet loss and other thoughts: Light a candle in remembrance for the one you love...: "Today, I light an In Loving Remembrance Candle in remembrance of Sophie Chew, the inspiration behind Luxepets and my grief counseling p..."

Light a candle in remembrance for the one you love and meditate

Today, I light an In Loving Remembrance Candle in remembrance of Sophie Chew, the inspiration behind Luxepets and my grief counseling practice.  It has been 8 years since her transition, and she is a constant reminder of the work I do.


If you are experience loss in your life and missing your loved one, consider lighting a candle for him/her. Our remembrance candle burns for 5 days, so you can keep it lit, or light it when you are feeling blue.


If you are grieving the loss of a beloved animal companion, you can light this candle usually when you would take your pooch for a walk, or feed your feline friend. Creating new rituals helps continue the bond you feel with your special pet.


If you are missing a much loved human, you can do the same. Since you cannot reach out and pick up the phone, light a candle and consider writing a letter to him/her. Or find a comfortable place to sit and practice being still for a few minutes. Have a conversation out loud with the person you are missing.




A great accompanying practice with lighting a candle is Trataka, a Hatha yoga kriya I've found complimentary to healing grief. According to Hatha Yoga Pradipika, “Trataka cleanses both the eyes and the cerebral cortex, balances the nervous system, and relieves depression, anxiety, and insomnia". To begin, find a quiet place to sit. Assume meditation posture. Sit at eye's level about 20"-24" away from the candle flame. Gaze at the middle part of the flame, without blinking as long as possible. Allow thoughts to come and go without attachment. Gaze until you can no longer hold the pose. Sometimes tears will appear. Gently wipe away your tears with a tissue, this is clearing impurities and grief you might be holding on. Refer to the link above for directions in more detail.


So today, blessings to all pet parents who have love and lost and am choosing love once more (as I write this, I am blessed to have 2 angels sitting at my feet, Lulu a border collie and her sweet senior sister, Casey)  The flame that burns brightly for Sophie goes out to all of you too.