Why returning Casey Chew's remains back to mother earth is a good thing

I have been staring at Casey Chew's remains for some time. She sat in a brocade box on my altar where I began most morning chanting. It has been 2 months since her transition. I have been resistant with anything that anything to do with it. In my email inbox sat the digital photo proofs from her farewell party, amazing photos from Bark Photography that made my hearts sing every time I peek at them. All I had to do was pick out my favorites to be retouched. And yet, I couldn't pick them out.

Some says timing is everything. It's been a a few weeks since our newest family member Shanti made her way into our hearts via Santa Monica Shelter. We did not plan her arrival. I saw her and fell in love. There were 3 other families ahead of us on the waiting list. Yet that morning, no one else showed up. This was about the same time I shipped off the first order from our 28 days of Grief and Healing via Amazon.com, a project dedicated to my first dog Sophie thinking and thinking about Casey as I headed off to UPS.

This was also about the same time I planted the first of our fall veggies in the organic garden out front where Casey liked to play. It is also now where Shanti likes to play and explore.


Timing is everything. During the animal communicator's reading I had right before her transition, Casey shared that she was ready to transition, knowing Michael was there to support me gave her comfort. A few weeks later, Michael and I decided to get married and eloped. How could she have known?

So yesterday, with Shanti at my feet, it felt fitting to return Casey back to Mother Earth. And to complete a cycle of completion

Why the veggie garden you ask?

-Casey ate home cooked meals, with veggies from the garden she loved
-She loved to play and sunbathe in the front yard
-She loved the smell of rosemary and lavender (hence the choice of a lavender bush for her)
-It is where she spent her last day, in the front garden surrounded by her closest friends and family
-It is where I have many fond memories of us together, none of them involves being boxed up.

Thanks to the amazing friends at Let your love grow, I returned Casey to mother earth yesterday, in the garden, commemorating one of her favorite spots to sniff with a lavender bush.

Our lovely organic garden

Casey's remains and Let your love grow planting medium.

Mix remains with plan medium (1 cup cremains, with medium plant container. Mix)

You can line the container with a liner or mix medium right into the ground.
I decided to put her back into mother earth, straight up.

Then, simply add plant and water with lots of love.
This was a loving way for me to memorialize Casey, in completing the cycle of life and death, and also to know that her spirit and soul will continue to grow and be with us!


If this was interesting for you, please sign up on Clairechew.com to receive more timely information relating to grief and loss. Or leave a comment about what you have done with your pet's cremains. Lots of love and light until next time. Btw- I also finished editing the photos from Casey's farewell party---just in time for the Healing from Pet Loss through Art Workshop I will be holding October 9th, 2011. An afternoon of sharing, scrapbooking pages for Casey's album. I hope to see you there!

Grieving and breath work

In moments of darkness, try bringing the mind to breath will calm one's life. This morning, I practiced some simple breath work with a client experiencing anxiety and upset and it reminded me how our body temple is a truly amazing tool to re-balance our emotional states. Try this for a few minutes whenever you are stressed or find yourself having a "moment".


4x4 pranayama purifying breath to de-stress exercise.(A thank you to a dear friendCat Williford's post for reminding me of this exercise.) This helps bring your mind to your breath, back to focusing on you and not the things that's come unglued in your daily life.

Step 1: Sit with a straight spine or lie down.
Step 2: Inhale to a slow count of 4.
Step 3: Hold your breath for a slow count of four.
Step 4: Exhale to a slow count of 4.
Step 5: Rest with no breath for a count of 4.
Repeat twice more.

This one taken from Dying into Life, The yoga of Death Loss and Transformation.
Left nostril breathing is a calming breath. This is something you can do when you are feeling tense, upset or nervous. This will also help if you are having trouble sleeping.

Sit with a straight spine or lie down.
Take your right thumb and block your right nostril.
Inhale deeply through the left nostril for a slow count of 4.
Exhale equally slow for a count of 4.
Continue for 1-3 minutes.
For the last set,
Inhale deeply through the left nostril for a slow count of 4.
Hold your breath for a slow count of four.
Exhale equally slow for a count of 4.

What to do with ash remains and clay pawprints?

Casey's remains came back this week. A big shout out to Carol and Tracy over at Very Important Pet Mortuary . Her ashes arrived in a nice brocade urn, along with a pawprint and some of her fur clippings. The care, thoughtfulness they put into commemorating the life of a beloved fur family member is truly heartfelt. For anyone living in the Los Angeles area, I cannot speak highly of them. Here is a layout of the return of Casey Chew.

For most pet parents, this can be a very traumatic time in the grief journey. Something about seeing the ashes along with the lockets of hair together with the clay imprint brings finality to the loss. Even though I have held services, gone to viewings and cremations of clients past, I couldn't help but think to myself this morning, "wow, this is what is left of her little physical body, what would Casey like me to do with her?" In the past, I may have considered a burial at sea.

This Spring, I attended the PLPA 2nd annual conference and met up with an eco friendly urn manufacturer called Let Your Love Grow. For many years now, there is a misconception that natural cremation when mixed with the earth, return naturally to the ground. Did you know that the ashes are inert and do not naturally break down? The folks at Let Your Love Grow has created an amazing planting medium that when combined with the remains, will use the phosphorus and calcium in the remains to work magic with mother nature.
This is lovely and fitting for Ms. Casey, who loved to be in the great outdoors with her sister Lulu.

If you have lost a beloved animal family member, did you bury, cremate or? What stories do you have to share? Stay tuned next week for what happens with the clippings and clay imprint.

Euthanasia--When is the right time?

Monday Evening: I was wrapping up work for the evening. Casey walked over and stood facing me, as if wanting to talk. Engrossed with an email, I kept typing and she walked away, only to circle back several times. Those huge eyes staring at me. I heard a voice inside my head go, It's time.
But it can't be yet. The vet had said a few more months.

Tuesday evening: We were watching TV and Michael called out to Casey. Very social, she loved to come snuggle next to us. That night, she looked at us with solemn eyes from her spot across the sectional and remained seated.It was so unlike her. My heart sank just a bit deeper. And again, the voice said, it's time. Michael looked at me and both of us at the same time knew.

Wednesday morning: As I was giving Casey her saline injections, she turned around and gave me this look, like REALLY?

Friday: Calls to the Vet, calls to the animal communicator, calls to the pet mortuary. Details, hugs, and more details.

Kayman was not going to be home until Sunday night to say goodbye. Casey and I had a talk. Intuitive coach said it was going to be a close call. I prayed alot this weekend.

Sunday: To an outsider, she looked like a pup who had a good long life. 17 beloved years. With patches of gray fur, she still loved to play with her 2 legged and 4 legged sisters. She slept most of the day and her appetite was light, yet the bigness of her spirit was still bright. At her good bye party, many commented on how much energy she had in her. We shared stories about her bright light, love of life, her sweet disposition, quirkiness. People came and went. Casey was happy. And exhausted.

Monday: We were surprised to witness Casey's decline from the day before. Today, she did not want to come out of the kennel. Kayman gave her sister one last squeeze before heading to pre-school. Kayman understood it was time and that Casey was dying. The pet doctor was coming to give her a shot to help her transition.

Casey asked me to help spread the message to all pet lovers out there. To use her as an example of a pup who was loved and is ready to go. Please share this video with all pet lovers you know.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S TIME?

TRUST---TRUST YOUR INTUITION---OPEN YOUR HEART---LEAN INTO THE PAIN----MAKE YOUR DECISIONS ON THEIR BEHALF----PUT YOUR OWN EMOTIONAL NEEDS SECOND IF YOU CAN.

With gratitude,
claire & casey

Remembering Casey Chew: 1994-2011 You will be missed.

Grief and Healing—Worden's 4 tasks of mourning

As a life transitions coach/grief specialist, I have coached many people through their journey of grief and loss from the loss. In his book, "Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, Second Edition" (Springer, 1991), J. William Worden, PhD, describes what he calls "The Four Tasks of Mourning. This morning, I am reminded of the tasks, as I get ready for the transition of our much-loved 17-year-old rat terrier, Casey Chew.


Task 1 - Accepting the reality of the loss.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross talks about denial as a stage of grief. This model was originally written for people at end stages of life. Physically, we know intellectually that our loved ones are not coming back. On an emotional level, it is harder to accept the reality of it. I often tell my clients that grieving are an emotional process, not an event. To accept the loss is real is the first step to healing.

Task 2: To work through the pain of grief.
Give yourself permission to feel the pain. Often times, we cover it up with work, keeping busy, minimizing our loss. Other short-term coping mechanisms may include the use alcohol or food. At the end of the day, giving ourselves the chance to feel the pain will help us move through it.
In the three weeks since Casey’s diagnosis of kidney failure, our family has taken time to complete our time with her in our own way. For me, talking, journaling, teaching by example has helped me work through this journey.

Task 3: To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing.
When we experience a loss, we also miss the moments we shared with our loved ones. After 11 golden years with Casey, I am going to miss our walks as a family. For others, it may be the loss of a life partner, a best friend, a walking buddy, and a shopping pal.

One way to move through this is by beginning to create new rituals and meaningful activities. For the next several weeks, we will explore some new routes in the neighborhood for our daily walks.

Task 4: To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life.
What does this mean? It means acknowledging the memories of our loved ones will always remain in our hearts without being attached to the memory itself. Or attached to the pain story as time goes on. The guilt of feeling good about something when the one we love is not there to share the moment with us. This can be especially difficult in the acute phase of our grief as pangs of pain tug at our heartstrings every time we think of our loved ones or beloved pet. Recognize that this is a normal part of the grieving process. Allow your emotions to surface and work through them. Talk to a friend or a therapist. Write, share, set aside time to grief each day.

Last but not least, it is ok to reach out for support. Sometimes, it takes a village to move through our grief. Since sitting down to this post, the sun has risen and I am greeted by a new day. Soon, our "village" of friends will be stopping by to say good-bye and celebrate the glorious life they had with Casey.

Explaining the pet-love to non-animal lovers via The Velveteen Rabbit

"The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.""--


Having lunch with an non-animal lover the other day, this was the analogy I used to explain the deep pet human bond and how deep and real it is.

Our pets are more than just pets, they are our family. For some who do not have children in their lives, our pets can be like a son or daughter to us.

For some non-animal lovers, it is hard to comprehend why pet lovers would compare their relationship with their furry companions to a human counterpart. So I tried to explain.
Just like in Velveteen rabbit, the bond we have with our pet deepen over time and become so deep that we can never go back.


I use Kayman, my toddler as an example. In toddlerhood, Kayman is already becoming her own person, expressing love and needs via words and gestures. While I am still her favorite person to spend time with, we have our moments of bonding and disagreements too. I know that one day in the near future, she may choose a playdate with a girlfriend over hanging out with mommie. I know that our love will always be true. It is instant, deep, everlasting. It may also sometimes be conditional.

With Casey, my 17 year old rat terrier, it happened over time. I have loved, laughed, worried, cried with joy and sadness over the years we have shared. She is unconditional in her loving for everyone. Her innate trust in me to provide shelter, food, and love for her is unwavering. She sleeps most days now, with only 10-20% of her kidneys functioning---yet saves up all of her energy to be with Kayman when she gets home from pre-school. For that special walk down the street...

I love this quote "God has your back", even when it seems like the going gets rough.
Besides God, I can say Sophie, Casey and Lulu has "gone to the mat" for me every time.
Sometimes, we have humans in our lives we love, but can't show up the way we would like them to.
Our pets always shows up, 110%. day after day.

After a bit, my friend got it.
Thank you Margery Williams Bianco...(author Velveteen Rabbit)

Picture Your Life After Cancer

I usually blog with informational tips and pointers. Today, the post is a bit more personal for me. I want to share hope for the estimated 12 million cancer survivors in the U.S., I am grateful how parts of my past has woven and shaped my life's work. A while back, I submitted the entry below to a New York Times online Picture Your Life After Cancer photo gallery. New York Times

What I wrote:
Twenty-four years after my last cancer treatment for Ewing’s sarcoma, my passion in life is helping clients transform loss and hardships into happiness. Cancer has taught me resiliency, empathy: a strength that propels me in helping guide others through their pain. It is my belief that grief and loss is not only about death and dying, it is about every disappointment we have ever faced. I work with clients to heal grief and loss from chronic illness such as cancer, divorce, miscarriage, loss of a pet to death of a loved one.
Cancer has taught me to see life through a new lens. Cancer took away mobility in my right arm and now I am ambidextrous. I didn’t save my eggs at 19, yet I overcame infertility challenges and became a mother at 40. Cancer has taught me to open my heart to the future with trust and optimism.

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What I received in an email this afternoon.

Dear Ms. Chew:
Thank you again so much for your submission to our “Picture Your Life After Cancer” photo gallery. The response has been tremendous, with over 800 photos already collected. Now we want to share with you the exciting news that your submission to the feature has been selected for publication in a book to be published next year by the American Cancer Society. The book will comprise 200 -250 “Picture Your Life After Cancer” submissions that have appeared on The Times website.

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I just want to share that ANYTHING is possible, especially after cancer, you just have to believe!

In deep gratitude,
Claire

Claire Chew, M.A. Life Transition Coach/Grief Specialist
-Transforming loss and hardships into happiness-

http://www.clairechew.com
http://www.luxepets.com Pet Loss Educator