Picture Your Life After Cancer

I usually blog with informational tips and pointers. Today, the post is a bit more personal for me. I want to share hope for the estimated 12 million cancer survivors in the U.S., I am grateful how parts of my past has woven and shaped my life's work. A while back, I submitted the entry below to a New York Times online Picture Your Life After Cancer photo gallery. New York Times

What I wrote:
Twenty-four years after my last cancer treatment for Ewing’s sarcoma, my passion in life is helping clients transform loss and hardships into happiness. Cancer has taught me resiliency, empathy: a strength that propels me in helping guide others through their pain. It is my belief that grief and loss is not only about death and dying, it is about every disappointment we have ever faced. I work with clients to heal grief and loss from chronic illness such as cancer, divorce, miscarriage, loss of a pet to death of a loved one.
Cancer has taught me to see life through a new lens. Cancer took away mobility in my right arm and now I am ambidextrous. I didn’t save my eggs at 19, yet I overcame infertility challenges and became a mother at 40. Cancer has taught me to open my heart to the future with trust and optimism.

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What I received in an email this afternoon.

Dear Ms. Chew:
Thank you again so much for your submission to our “Picture Your Life After Cancer” photo gallery. The response has been tremendous, with over 800 photos already collected. Now we want to share with you the exciting news that your submission to the feature has been selected for publication in a book to be published next year by the American Cancer Society. The book will comprise 200 -250 “Picture Your Life After Cancer” submissions that have appeared on The Times website.

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I just want to share that ANYTHING is possible, especially after cancer, you just have to believe!

In deep gratitude,
Claire

Claire Chew, M.A. Life Transition Coach/Grief Specialist
-Transforming loss and hardships into happiness-

http://www.clairechew.com
http://www.luxepets.com Pet Loss Educator

I need your help.

On most days, I blog about experiences around pet loss, grief and loss, miscarriage loss, providing what I hope is helpful loss advice.

Well...today, I am feeling a bit different. It's been a few weeks since I blogged. I want to pull back the curtain a little bit and share something more personal.
Here goes.

I was out recently at dinner with a dear friend, and we were catching up on things. I had recently celebrated a birthday, turning 43, I found myself having BIG shifts in consciousness about how I want to continue grief and loss coaching. The past 2 months held big dates for me. April was the anniversary of my dog's transition, my mother's suicide. May marked the end of my marriage. These markers were a gift to let go some more.

Maybe it's the reminder of my 3.5 year old toddler talking about the upcoming transition of our beloved 17 year old Casey. Maybe it's learning about a friend's relapse with cancer that jogged life's preciousness. Maybe it is the shared experience with a friend who's father passed away this week, and holding her hand as she went through it. Maybe, who knows right?

Anyhow, the important part, is I am here. And I have been listening to what my clients have saying the past few years about loss. "I wished I knew about you when this was happening..."

And I wanted to shout out...I wished I knew you then too! I could have help make that experience a more peaceful and loving one.

It has made me think about revamping the way I do business based on what YOU have told me you need.

But, in order to do that, I realize I can't do it alone.
I have been holding back on asking, because I was nervous about sharing more of myself from this deep place of knowing, holding the vision and....

The truth is, I am going to need your help.

At conferences, networking events, cocktail parties, parties, playgroups, I met many of you who shared your loss experience. I listened. I compiled notes. I hibernated this last month to create.

Now, I think I am ready to share it. But I need your help to do it.
I will be back with more details in a few days about this from grief to love program.

Meanwhile, I would LOVE your input. Can you share with me a situation where you found yourself grieving, having to make a life changing decision (like when it is time to say goodbye to a dear pet), or going through the thick of it with a divorce, where you could have really used some support?

In service,
Claire

Practicing Vipassana in Grief

This morning at breakfast, my daughter asked me why the petals on the purple tulips were missing. The bouquet arrived last week for my birthday. After a week of being the centerpiece on our dining room table, it began shedding its bloom the past few days. Kayman and I had great fun, using the vibrant pieces as counting exercises.

"What happened to them?" she said, holding one up. I shared that is where all flowers must go someday, that it had wilted. "Oh, you mean it died?" Yes, I replied. "Like your mommie?" Pause.

Well, yes and no. By that time, her focus had gone elsewhere and off to pre-school we went.

However, it gave me pause to reflect. Grief and loss, death and dying, so many levels of it occur in everyday life. How is it we are as a matter of fact about some things while we are torn up by others?

As a practicing buddhist, I often try to incorporate some of the teachings I've learned into my grief work. We intrinsically know that all things, living things, our loved ones, and ourselves, are impermanent. Yet, we can't help but become emotionally attached to the things and people we love.

When we experience a loss, there is suffering. Out of the suffering comes our attachment to what was. In our desires to make relationships last, we are overcome with pain,and disappointment when it ends. We do not feel in control. And wanting to feel some sort of control over our pain, we get on the emotionally roller coaster of pain.

Sometimes, we try to drown the awareness of our pain with avoidance. Avoidance by burying ourselves in our work, with food, with shopping, with television.

Yet,inevitably we end up feeling anxious, depressed, sadness or anger.

What can we do to move through our grief?

By accepting what is.

Easier said than done right?

By practicing Vipassana meditation or mindfulness even in our grief.

There are many organizations that teaches mindfulness in mediation. On great group in Los Angeles called InSightLA offers courses to bring more joy and peace into everyday life.

Or try this simple heart opening meditation when you feel your heart closing off from the grief.

Find a comfortable place to sit down. Close your eyes. Bring your left palm flat against the heart center and place the right palm on top of the left. Let your mind settle, relax. The thoughts from the day, let them unwind. With each breath, relax your body, let your mind wander, not settling on anything in particular. Bring your awareness inwardly. Become aware of the sensations in your body, notice with each breath you are letting any outward noise fall away. Notice that anytime your mind wanders, just bring it back to center. Bring your attention to the center of your chest, where your heart is. Allow yourself to sink into your heart. Breathe into your heart. Feel the beating of your heart against your left palm. Feel your heart. Notice any emotions that come up, any energy. So much is stored in the heart. Unconditional love, compassion, kindness. Let your heart open. Allow your heart center to be filled with unconditional love, compassion, kindness for yourself.

Notice with each breath the sensations in your body, continuing to relax, let your mind come back slowly to the present. Take a few moments to sit quietly with eyes closed and surround yourself with the loving. When you are ready, open your eyes. Take a few minutes to journal and jot down any thoughts you may have had.

Shaking things up during grief

The ending of a relationship, whether with a romantic partner, a job, a home, a loved one, an animal companion are all considered losses. We are faced with two basic options. Grief and move through whatever we are feeling, or bury the feelings for a later time.

If we commit to moving through grief, the next step is to get out of our own way. Things are likely to get stirred up in all aspects of our life. Grief can't be sliced up neatly like a pie. Change is inevitable in all areas  physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

Change can also be positive. You may find friends and family who are more supportive than ever. 

You are taking more time out for yourself during your grieving process. You are more in touch with your emotions.

Conversely, you may be angry, stressed out,  feeling alone, not getting the support you need, your life feels suddenly out of control. 

If this sounds familiar, here are four key things you can do for yourself, if nothing else. Call it the 4 pillars of managing grief. 

*Address your emotions: What is making you angry, stressed out, sad or any other feelings you may have? Take some moments to write it down. If you gave these feelings a voice, what would it say? Be honest. Your emotions are out of balance. It is likely your body temple is also out of alignment.

*Redirect your grief: Next, write down what you can do to bring your body back into balance. Yoga? Meditation? Take a walk perhaps?  What did you enjoy doing before you were overcome with grief? Gardening, talking to a friend on the phone? Do something that brings you JOY. 

*Exercise: Get up and do something physical for 30 minutes to move the chi around. Studies have shown it helps with depression. You will feel better if you can get out of head and get endorphins pumping.

*Nutrition: Grief depletes the body of minerals and nutrients via the tears we shed, the emotions we hold. Eat. Eat breakfast. Even if you are not hungry, have a piece of toast, yogurt, or some fruit.  Snack throughout the day if you find yourself not hungry. Put post-it notes as reminders throughout places you re-visit during the day. You need nourishment for healing. Drink plenty of water during the day. 

In my last post, I wrote about how April is a big month for me with grief. I am on day 7 of a 30 day meditation and tantra practice to help let go and move through some of my re-occuring grief. I am drinking a concoction of lemon, ginger and cayenne pepper with hot water in the morning to assist with digestion, as it is where my grief likes to sit. I walk a minimum of 30 minutes a day with my beloved animal companions. It helps me to walk the talk as I continue in my practice. It anchors in that while grief is present, it is moving through me. For those who are grieving, won't you join me in putting your care first? 

In gratitude,
Claire

Events that trigger grief-ways to cope

Grief is not linear. It can strike when you least expect it. It can occur months, or even years after the passing of a beloved pet, person or event. Major change in one's life like moving, loss of a job, divorce, loss of a relationship constitutes loss. Grief excludes no one, even grief counselors.

Today, I find myself going over some of the lessons I teach others for myself. Grief is a form of releasing attachment. The attachment to the memories of the person, pet or event.

Tools like journaling, mediating, writing can help . Today, I am taking time out to give grief a voice so I can move through it and not let it weigh me down. My grief is not a new wound. It is several years old.  I've worked my process around the grief for my mother. Even so, I find moments that suddenly open my container of sadness.

This morning, I searched my freezer for some chinese herbs to heal my cold. A brown paper package with the cold formula had a date written on it. It was written in my mother's handwriting, a few months before her death.

I find that writing helps me to gain clarity when my mind is feeling foggy, especially today, when I am fighting a cold at the same time.  As the words come tumbling out onto the paper, thoughts and feelings are released versus staying tight inside my throat. I write about the things that are disturbing my peace, emotions, worries that unfounded, inner dialogues about the next path to take.
Sometimes, I dialogue with my inner counselor, the wise one that resides in a place of calm and peace when while the external world swirls. When I close my eyes and sit quietly, she comes forward.

Here are some things you can do to move through moments of grief

-find a quiet place to sit with your feelings
-take some time out to be in the feeling if you can (if you are angry, allow yourself to be)
-cry, punch a pillow, scream out loud, to release any emotions you might be holding onto
-write about the memory that triggered the loss
-write about any fears that might come up (fear of abandonment)
-reach out and call a friend who supports you unconditionally
-tell your friend you need someone to listen without responding, without need to change or fix
-practice acceptance
-practice surrendering what we cannot change

Things not to do
-be hard on yourself
-beat yourself up for what you thought could have, should have been different
-withhold love from yourself and others

The bittersweet herbs reminded me of my mother today. It is also a reminder of how my mother's death helped me move deeper into my grief work. I am grateful for this reminder. Bittersweet.

Consider a senior animal companion when adopting

Blessed is the person who has earned the love of an old dog."
- Sydney Jeanne Seward

Our animal companions can be wonderful teachers for us if we open our hearts to listen. Their practice of unconditional loving, being present in the now and optimistic outlook are just a few of the things I try to incorporate into my daily life.  Imagine having years of practice at the items above, and then adding a few more to the list and voila, you have the makings of the perfect animal companion for your family.

I came across this wonderful site while researching senior pet products for a client. The Senior Dog Project  is a comprehensive website with a wealth of resources for adopting a senior dog including the top ten reasons why to adopt a senior dog.

It has been more than a decade since our rescue rat terrier Casey joined our family. Casey was in her early forties in human years when she came to be with us. Just like the list said, she was patient, an instant companion, knew what "no" meant, good at giving love for having been given a second chance. More than that, she instantly made her way into our hearts to stay. Now 119 in human years, Casey continues to be a great teacher, especially with my daughter Kayman.

Won't you consider adopting a senior pet today?

Explaining death to a 3 year old

This morning, our 17 year old rat terrier did not want to eat her breakfast. A home cooked meal of brown rice, ground beef and broccoli goodness. Casey has been spending more and more time sleeping in her crate, her favorite spot in the house--the warm kitchen. Our daily walks have been getting shorter and shorter. In human years, she is 119.

My daughter, a spirited 3 year old toddler that she is, wanted to chase her "sister" down for a hug. Casey wanted none of it. How do you explain to a 3 year old her "sister" is at the tail end of her golden years? Kayman loves her "sisters". We've talked about death in general terms, as both of her grandmothers died before she was born. We've chatted about dead snails and slugs we've seen on sidewalks after a rainstorm. We've never had the opportunity to discuss it as it is happening, until now.

As I am putting finishing touches on a new workbook for parents to explain pet loss to their kids, I realize I will get to be my own focus/test group by using it with my daughter Kayman.

Below are some of the things I will be discussing with Kayman.
-Write down what are some of Casey's favorite things to do, foods to eat, funny expressions of love.
-Draw pictures of Casey with her family.
-Write down "feelings" Kayman has around death.
-Explain what happens when an animal dies. They stop breathing. Their fur/coat is cold. They look like they are asleep but they are not going to wake up this time.
-Plan a good bye part for Casey.

I feel the gifts and the blessings of being able to share this with Kayman. And the gifts of this upcoming book with all of you.

RE:the pug attack a la superbowl---could that be your dog?

I did not watch the superbowls yesterday, but a friend turned me onto some of the ads he enjoyed. One in particular stayed with me was Doritos's Pug Attack. Determination, fearlessness, resilience, loyalty (to the Doritos in this case), focused are some words that comes to mind in describing the pug. It could easily be shifted to any other situation between animal companion and caregiver.

Our animal companions are loyal. How many times have we walked down a street to see a pooch faithfully waiting outside for its caregiver and friend?
They are fearless. While on a walk with 17 year old Casey this morning, she was not buying the looks of a german shepherd across the walk and decided to give her a piece of her mind. Mind you, she could have easily walked under his legs without skooching down.
They are resilient. Ask my border collie Lulu, who likes to bury certain treats and bones in the backyard. Later, she is happy to spend an exponentially longer time looking for them.

The same could be said when they are under stress or in time of illness. Our animal companions are amazing souls who always rise to the occasion. In my playbook, they win every game, always giving it their best, without complaining. Even as they come into their senior years, and eventually, their own transition. They are loving, strong, compassion and ACCEPTING.

What can we learn from this commercial? The strengths of the above mentioned? If you have a senior pet, what can you do to assist them in keeping experiencing anticipatory grief ? Apply the same loving, compassion and kindness to yourself as you have done for them. What else? Would love to hear from owners with senior pets on this topic.

Here is a link to the superbowl ad http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5YrxeskZt0

hard time walking this afternoon

Maybe my imagination running wild, but my beloved 17 year old family member (or 119 to be exact in people years) had a hard time finishing the last part of her walk today. good news that her sniffers are still intact and she LOVED smelling all of the flowers starting to be in bloom. :) I recognized today also that my 3 year old probably won't get many more walks with her "sister" (as we so fondly refers to all siblings in this household) and training for her 6 year old "border collie mix sister" will have to happen soon to curtail the pulling to balance out the tug o war between a 30 lb toddler and a 45 lb hunk of love. THANK YOU spirit for allowing me to hold this space, to continuing to walk my talk, to be able to serve and hold and pray and be human in my journey. :) with so much gratitude for this and SO MUCH MORE, ;) me. I am GRATEFUL for all the tools I hold as a grief counselor! It does come in handy. And I love that I practice what I preach. Love to everyone and their four legged family member!!!

Hopes and dreams in grief

In our darkest hours, dreams and hopes may be the farthest things from our minds. Yet, they can also serve as our heartstrings, our conduit in journeying through our grief to the other side. Hope is the wheel of momentum that keeps us moving forward. Dreams are what we hold close to our hearts.

Just for today, can you allow yourself to feel whatever you may be feeling, sadness, depression, heartache, loneliness, AND have hope in your heart that this WILL pass. It WILL pass with the work you are committed to doing in moving through the grief. By sharing your thoughts, talking and reaching out to loved ones for support, writing down feelings and emotions, getting it out and through you so that it does not weigh you down like a lead weight/sinker at the end of a fishing line and BECOME you, these positive action steps brings you closer to hopefulness.

walking the talk- anticipatory loss

Grief is a natural part of my work everyday. As a grief counselor, I assist those journeying through grief to the other side on a daily basis. But even I, am not immune to grief itself. Yesterday, I had the opportunity to be a part of an fundraising event benefiting a pet charity. Casey, my much loved rat terrier made the journey with me. Nestling into her bed in the backseat, it seemed like yesterday that I first rescued her from San Francisco. This month marks our 11th year together, her 17th on this earthly plane. She had a harder time climbing up into the back seat, her cloudy eyes looking out as we journeyed from Venice towards downtown LA. She has been slowing down this past year..naturally given she is 119 in human years. Yet, yesterday, it really hit me. My very social butterfly did her tour of "sniffing butts" and making friends, but for most part, she was more comfortable sleeping on her bed behind the booth, anchoring the event with her presence.

Given the theme was "wine and dogs" with wine tastings, the mood was celebratory. Pet loss was not a topic most pet lovers wanted to think about. We had our pet loss products and services available, along with some of Luxepet's luxeblessing charms. The St. Francis Pet Tags to protect your pets in particular was a big hit. Most that stopped by all knew someone who had recently lost a pet. Others had senior pets of their own and were not ready to think of that day that was approaching.

That day that was approaching.

It was yesterday that I came to terms that this would probably be the year for Casey to wind down and make her way towards rainbow bridge. In the past month, she's let us know she wanted to be carried for the latter part of her walks with her border collie sister, Lulu. The time spent sleeping during the day, or sunning herself in the yard as I work has increased while her appetite has been decreasing. She still loves the homecooked meals served daily, and for the first time, she lets Lulu finish her meal for her.

As I put the finishing touches on my pet loss book for children, I wonder if my first reading will be to my 3 year old, Kayman.
Wells of emotions came forward last night as I wrote about non-judgment and guilt surrounding pet loss. Tears of anticipatory loss. I re-read what I had written and advice given to clients. This morning, I am following my own advice. I acknowledge my feelings and allow myself to be with the pain. Practicing what I preach. I recognize my own humanity, vulnerability. I am grateful to be present in my emotions. This is part of my strength, not a weakness, as I have shared with clients.